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Tuesday, April 20 2:00 PM EDT

Security Gap in Condoleezza Rice's
Front Teeth Exposed

By Jason Simpson

Washington D.C. - Members of the American Dental Association testifying before the 9/11 Commission identified the gap in Condoleezza Rice’s teeth as a major security threat.

Dr. Regis Lasko, DDS, showed the problem by displaying dental records of Dr. Rice. "As you can see here, between the incisors, along the apex of the dental arch," Lasko pointed at a large projection of Rice's smile, “Here is the wide area where any number of dangerous objects could penetrate."

"You can clearly see how this could be compromised," Lasko continued. "One way of exploiting this might be to slip a tiny microphone into Rice's mouth. It would be disastrous to have our National Security Advisor’s every word recorded by terrorists."

Others have suggested similar scenarios in which a microphone as well as studio recording and editing equipment could be placed into Rice's mouth through her front teeth. This could result in a puppet version of our current Security Advisor, who would say anything her controlling infiltrators commanded.

This evidence confirms earlier testimony by former antiterrorism chief Richard Clarke. He testified that he wrote several memos expressing concern the gap could be compromised, but they were ignored because the Bush administration was more concerned about Dr. Rice's hair.

Some members of the United Nations also viewed this as a double standard in the United State's war against weapons of mass destruction. One UN representative noted, "For years camels have expelled potentially dangerous fluids through gaps in their front teeth. Why should the United States encourage this?" Rice has stated that she will not use her gap as a means of deploying weapons of mass destruction.

Because of this evidence, Democrats have speculated that while Rice claims to be from Alabama she may in fact be British which may explain the close ties with Tony Blair.

The administration insisted Rice was from Alabama and brought Alabama resident Rita Fickleberry to the Rose Garden for a press conference. Fickleberry explained, "I be from Alabama all my life an’ my teef's bad too. I'm just sayin'."

Some security experts claim there are less subtle ways of exploiting this. An unofficial study done by several cooperating private security companies has concluded that suicide bombers could drive trucks filled with explosives through the gap in Rice's incisors.

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