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Tuesday,  November 18 12:01 AM EST

Ask The Spammer

By The Spammer

The Spammer believes spam can solve any problem and answer any question. He does not answer unsolicited questions and honors all remove requests. No question is TOO LONG or TOO HARD. He doesn't have a stump and he can't be stumped. Just you try!

Dear Spammer,
I am a young hot virgin schoolgirl. Recently my parents and my grandmother were involved in an auto accident involving a food transport truck carrying powdered pudding and another vehicle transporting live chickens. My father is now blind from the chickens scratching/pecking his eyes from his head and my mother and grandmother are both in deep comas as they are severely lactose intolerant diabetics. My father supported us with money he made from shocking monkeys and shooting watermelons on Internet banner ads, it was a job requiring great hand-eye coordination. But now he can't coordinate because he has no eyes. I don't know how our family will survive now. If we can't pay the incredible doctor bills they are going the pull the plug on my mother and grandmother! Please Spammer, what am I to do?
-Desperate in Des Moines

Dear Desperate,
There’s only one possibly explanation for such a run of bad luck; you didn’t forward that message that I sent you to ten of your friends, did you? Hot, young virgins shouldn’t be wallowing in misery they should be milking young studs like there’s no tomorrow, but it sounds like there might not be a tomorrow unless you consolidate your mounting debt from those medical expenses with the LOWEST MORTGAGE RATES OF THE WEEK! With your newfound wealth you’ll be able to purchase generic drugs, which will REVERSE AGING! It might even turn back time to the point where your father had eyes and your mother and grandmother were conscious.
-The Spammer

Dear Spammer,
I have a big problem. When I was born I had a big crack in my ass. Is there anything that can be done to fix it back up?
-Cracked in Mass.

Dear Cracked
To improve security of your ass crack please apply this latest patch from Microsoft. This patch improves performance and keeps hackers out of your ass crack.
-The Spammer

Dear Spammer,
My dog has a penchant for our cat’s ass---You know, the cat walks by and...shazam his tongue is wiping her ass clean in one lightning fast lick (sometimes he obviously doesn't get it perfectly clean because the slut turns around, waving her tail high, and struts past his nose for another wipe). This got me thinking, if he did that for me I'd be spending a lot less on Charmin & dog food.
-Ralf McGee

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Dear Ralf,
Licking cat’s asses is the #1 rated work at home business opportunity! I want to teach you how to make a staggering income from the comfort of your cat’s ass. You must be able to devote at least 8 hours a week and have a BURNING DESIRE to lick your pets.
bhkhlub ubzy fwfx ku
-The Spammer

If you have a question for The Spammer send it to the_spammer

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