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Monday, October 4 12:00 AM ET

New Doppler Radar Identifies, Destroys Competing Doppler Radars

By Cody James and Brian Briggs

Portland, OR. - KWQT News 9 Portland has always told audiences that it is "Your No. 1 source for up-to-the-minute weather." Thanks to its new SADDRAD™ (Seek-and-Destroy Doppler Radar) 9000 system, that assertion has never been more accurate.

Doppler Radar"We are using SADDRAD Doppler 9000, the most advanced weather detection system in the greater Portland area," said Jeffrey Huilman, KWQT station manager. "It employs the latest Doppler technology, allowing for more accurate forecasts, and its built-in particle beam ensures that KWQT will be your best (and only) choice for weather information now and well into the future."

One other Portland station isn't being passive in this battle. Channel 2 has completed their own Doppler destroying system. Meteorologist Gavin Simpson explained, "This means war," and pulled a sheet down to reveal the Doppler Apocalypse Missile 2000. "It can't tell you shit about the weather, but DAM 2000 will leave SADDRAD 9000 in ashes. That's what's important."

Low-rated KPIL cannot afford a Doppler destroying system, and has had to turn to scare tactics to gain viewers. "Your Doppler radar system might be destroyed at any moment. Film at 11," said a recent tease between an episode of Joey and The Apprentice.

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Officials at the National Weather Service were concerned about the escalation in hostilities in the battle for weather forecasting supremacy. "We're worried that a war may break out between these stations, and then nobody will be able to know what the weather is," said chief meteorologist Thomas Bogoine.

"We're not out to destroy other station's radar systems. We're out to create weather," said KBUT meteorologist Stan Harvey of their new Stormbringer 7000 system. "Florida gets hurricanes, but we don't get anything like that out here… yet," said Harvey as he grinned evilly. "If all goes as planned there will be a 'Storm of the Century' every week!"

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