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Monday, June 20 12:00 AM ET

God Annoyed at Having to "Sort 'em Out"

By Michael Coyne

Heaven - An annoyed God expressed his frustration today at the site of a recent massacre. "What the hell?" muttered the omnipotent one as he sorted through the bodies.

"They're all dead already," explained God to visiting representatives of various faiths. "I was sitting around and figured I'd come down from heaven in all my glory and do a little divine visitation. I arrive, and I'm saddled with this. Thanks."

"Aw, geez," God added, as he poked further through the mess of bodies. "They're all mixed together and stuff," he complained loudly. "Now I've got to sort them out. Gross."

God expressed disappointment at the lack of understanding among the faithful. "It's easy for you guys down here to just say "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out", but you don't realize just how much work it generates. I can't even tell how many bodies are here, for starters. I've got to pick my way through them all before I even know if we've met quota this month... and don't even get me started on the paperwork this entails!"

The Supreme Being picked an arm out of the pile in obvious annoyance. "And then look at this, an arm. Does that guy count as dead? Or just maimed? Where the hell is the rest of him? Is it somewhere in this pile or a different one? Or is there some guy wandering around wondering where his arm is?"

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Asked if he intended to descend upon his chosen people in all his majestic wrath, God was cagey. "Sheesh, in the days of the old Covenant, I would have been all over you people like those nine plagues I sent against Egypt. What? Ten? Okay, maybe it was ten. You smite someone ten times more than three thousand years ago, and see if you remember all of them. But am I descending in wrath these days? Honestly, who's got the energy? Maybe I'll just get the whole descending in wrath thing outsourced. I've got someone in mind. He used to work for me, but left a really long time ago to do his own consulting work. He thought the prospects for advancement with me weren't good enough. I hear he's got a hell of a lot of wrath and anger, so he could probably handle the work, but you think I'm busy these days? He's swamped."

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