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Monday, July 20 12:00 AM ET

Twitter Cures Cancer

By Brian Briggs


Maryland – A group of doctors at Johns Hopkins announced today a cure for several forms of cancer including lung, pancreatic and breast cancer, but more importantly several of the doctors reported to have heard of Twitter.

Lead research on the project, Dr. Martin Jones, said he had heard of Twitter and thinks his "brother has an account on there."

Here's an abridged transcript of the press conference:

Jones: Now I'll open it up to questions.
CNN: Sir, have you heard of Twitter:
Jones: Yes.
CNN: Would you say that it was instrumental in you finding a cure?
Jones: No, I've just heard of it.
ABC News: But you wouldn't say it stopped you from finding a cure would you?
Jones: No, I would not.
ABC News: So, by not hurting you could say it lead the way to the cure. Could you also confirm that the cure for cancer was discovered after Twitter was founded?
Jones Yes, it was.
MSNBC: Would Michael Jackson have been helped by this cure you've discovered?
Jones: I don't think Mr. Jackson died of cancer, so no.
MSNBC: If Jackson heard about this cure on Twitter would it have helped him? Say raised his spirits enough that he could've lived longer.
Jones: I have no idea.
MSNBC: So that's a yes.

After the conference many reporters predicted that Twitter co-founders Ev Williams and Biz Stone would be leading candidates not only for the Nobel Peace Prize but also the Nobel Prize in Medicine.

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Ev Williams said, "When we started the company three years ago, I never imagined that it would cure cancer.  Bring about world peace, yes, cure cancer, no.  This is beyond my wildest dreams."

Williams said there were no limits to what Twitter can do now.  "I don't see why we won't have flying cars, time travel or faster-than-light space ships in the next few years."

Several market analysts now value Twitter at $4.5 trillion.

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