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Friday, July 13 12:00 AM EDT

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Your enjoyment of the movie Hackworld comes to a screeching halt when the hero, BL4ckiCe misuses the term "pinging".

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
As it turns out, overclocking the office coffeemaker doesn't make you more productive, but your co-workers have become increasingly annoying.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
Your favorite CD has disappeared this week. Maybe you shouldn't have been listening to it on repeat all day for the past four days. Your cubicle-mate looks strangely unconcerned.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
It's Christmas in July this summer as your area experiences a very isolated Ice Age while the maintenance crew continues to try to fix the overactive air conditioning units.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Buried alive, eaten by a shark, decapitated with a sword. Pick 2.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
What's with that guy sitting next to you? Seriously, doesn't he creep you out? He gives me the heebie jeebies.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
After reading your horoscope this week everything looks like gibberish. Trrm, lbh ernyyl ner n trrx, nera'g lbh?

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You probably shouldn't have used the corporate server's motherboard to test whether Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb is more corrosive.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Getting UNIX tatooed on your forehead wasn't a great idea. Having the tatoo artist think you said 'Eunuchs' was even worse.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Everything is coming up roses! Life is wonderful. You are a great person and you'll be getting your raise. But an evil god takes notice of your good fortune and sends a knife wielding maniac your way. Oh well. Shit happens.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Science and nature converge this week. Unfortunately it's in your rectum.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You pull off the most successful prank yet when you paint dozens of little mouse-arrows with wite-out on your cubicle-mate's reading glasses. But be warned: keep a close eye on your coffee mug in the weeks to come.

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