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Friday, December 6 12:00 AM EST

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Good news: You'll definitely be spending the holiday season close to friends and family. Bad news: They're only "close" because all of you will be huddled within the last, deepest room in the cave.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
This week would be a good time to realize that your wedding band isn't the "One ring to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them." Your wife can still see you checking out the waitress.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
It may be that you've moved into a techno-phobe neighborhood. You will receive a brick through your front window with a message tied to it which reads, "I got yer instant message right here!"

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
You'll get funny looks from patrons later tonight at the local Irish pub you frequent. As it turns out, it's hard to sing drinking songs at a casual pace when you've had a six-pack of Red Bull.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Despite what your new girlfriend says, it DOESN'T happen to every guy. How could you be so irresponsible as to run an old, unpatched version of wu-ftpd? You got what you deserve. And she's already portscanning for someone new.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
It's high time to pick up one of those mail-irradiation units as long as you insist on running Microsoft Outlook.

 

 

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You buy BBspot T-shirts for everyone on your holiday shopping list. Your wise choice in gifts earns you adoration of all who surround you (ed note: OK, I made this one up.)

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You'll come to a rather disconcerting conclusion after you've compiled your gift-giving and gift-receiving habits into an SQL database: several queries reveal that there IS no pattern, but you're simply a loser who's wasted his time.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You'll push it too far this year with your antics. It may be really neat to control the lighting-patterns of your Christmas lights with your homemade serial-device, but your neighbors don't consider "Bite Me Osama" to be a very merry message.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
No, you don't have a sticky-note fairy. The housekeeping crew just can't stand seeing all those damned sticky-notes all over your friggin' monitor. How can you?

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll discover that you need more than Windows XP to send e-mail this week. A computer and Internet connection would be helpful as well.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Because of the @home bankruptcy you are forced back to using dial-up. Apparently there are fates worse than hell.

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