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Wednesday  October 18  11:50 AM EDT

Bush Plan will Simplimify Keg Purchases

By Brian Briggs

Austin, TX - George W. Bush announced today that his Fraternity Keg Tax Relief program will "simplimify" the tax code for our nation's college students.  "My plan is an across the board reduction in the Keg Tax, which will make the keg purchasing process more affordamable and less complimicated than my opponents plan would."

Kegger!Al Gore said, "My opponents Keg Tax Relief program will benefit the richest of the fraternities the most while my plan will target the middle class fraternities and give them the most relief.  Under my plan for each pony keg, half barrel or full barrel they buy, the government will pitch in with matching funds for another keg for the poorest of the fraternities.  While the richest of the rich will only get a case."

"Of course my plan helps the richest fraternities the most.  They buy the most beer, shouldn't they get the most relief. I'm not going to pick and choose which fraternities will get Keg Tax relief like my opponent, they all will," Bush responded.

On campus the talk was of discrimination by both candidates.  "Once again both candidates are pandering to special interests.  I don't hear any talk about relief for students who aren't in fraternities, we buy kegs too," said Rutgers freshman Vance Farlow.

Many political pundits argue that at a cost of $1 trillion dollars both the Bush and Gore plans are too expensive to support, and would require money being taken from the Social Security trust fund.  Brent Ausmus from Delta Tau Delta said, "Beer now or Social Security later?  The choice is clear."

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