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Redmond, WA - Microsoft announced yesterday their upcoming version
of Office will cure cancer. Many believe this is the killer
feature the software giant needs to spur upgrades in its aging Office
Suite. Microsoft believes the biggest revenue stream will come
from users who purchase the subscription version of Office XP. "When
faced with the prospect of their cancer returning at the end of the
year, we are pretty confident that they will renew their subscription," said
VP of marketing Andy Marskin.
 Mr.
Marskin denied that the cancer curing feature was included because
earlier versions of Office actually caused cancer as Linux advocates
had suggested. He said, "Those accusations are completely
groundless, although we would suggest not pressing CTRL-C too many
times unless you really have to."
"The feature will be fully integrated into each program in
the suite," said Microsoft programmer Halley Grey, "It
doesn't matter if a user is developing a presentation in Power Point
or working on a spreadsheet in Excel. All they have to do is
go the Tools menu and select the Cure Cancer option and it
will give them a choice of which cancer they would like cured."
Some users complained that this is just another example of code
bloat and feature creep from Microsoft. "It was bad enough
to have a flight simulator in Excel, but now a cure for cancer?" said
Kris Koskelin. "Who needs that kind of feature in a word
processor anyway? VI will do me just fine."
Other users complained that they've heard these promises from Microsoft
before. "I'll believe it when I see it," said Debbie
Cho, "We saw this back in the days of Windows 3.11 when they
promised that Windows 95 would make you immortal, and again when
they said that Internet Explorer would bring about world peace."
Competitors are scrambling to match Microsoft on the cancer curing
feature. Sun announced today that its Star Office product will
cure hepatitis and rickets with its next release.
Microsoft will enforce a strict licensing policy, where only the
original purchaser can be cured of cancer. Additional licenses
will be needed if a family member or loved one becomes cancer stricken. Microsoft
claims the Office Professional version will cure 36 different types
of cancer, while the Home Office version will cure 12. Microsoft's
stock was up slightly on the news.
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