Redwood City, CA - Oracle announced today that CEO Larry Ellison
is actually an unfrozen caveman discovered in a large glacier in
Alaska during the late 1970s.
Mr. Ellison informed the Board of Directors yesterday that he was
an unfrozen caveman after the group of scientists who discovered
him threatened to expose his secret. Company PR
director Michael Bowen said, "Larry has always tackled
problems head on, and he knew coming forward was the best course
of action. The fact that the board voted unanimously to keep
him as CEO should be reassuring to investors."
Ellison said, "Being a caveman frozen in a glacier, who was
discovered by your scientists and then unfrozen doesn't effect my
capability to lead this company into the 21st century." He
continued, "Sure, when I'm flying around in my Gulfstream
V and I have a few Stoli's on ice, I may get a little frightened
being at 20,000 feet, but I'm still a damn good CEO."
Insiders at the company weren't surprised by the announcement as
Ellison's caveman heritage was well known around Oracle. "It's
a lot of fun at the company picnic. We always run up behind
him with some flaming marshmallows on sticks, and he freaks out," said
The stock was down today on the announcement. Goldman Sachs
analyst Steve Frye said, "Having an unfrozen caveman CEO may
frighten some investors but shouldn't effect the earnings outlook
in the long term."
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