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Thursday  June 22 12:45 PM EDT

Oracle Says Ellison is
Unfrozen Caveman CEO

By Brian Briggs

Redwood City, CA - Oracle announced today that CEO Larry Ellison is actually an unfrozen caveman discovered in a large glacier in Alaska during the late 1970s.

Caveman LarryMr. Ellison informed the Board of Directors yesterday that he was an unfrozen caveman after the group of scientists who discovered him threatened to expose his secret.  Company PR director Michael Bowen said,   "Larry has always tackled problems head on, and he knew coming forward was the best course of action.  The fact that the board voted unanimously to keep him as CEO should be reassuring to investors."

Ellison said, "Being a caveman frozen in a glacier, who was discovered by your scientists and then unfrozen doesn't effect my capability to lead this company into the 21st century."  He continued,  "Sure, when I'm flying around in my Gulfstream V and I have a few Stoli's on ice, I may get a little frightened being at 20,000 feet, but I'm still a damn good CEO."

Insiders at the company weren't surprised by the announcement as Ellison's caveman heritage was well known around Oracle.  "It's a lot of fun at the company picnic.  We always run up behind him with some flaming marshmallows on sticks, and he freaks out," said one employee.

The stock was down today on the announcement.  Goldman Sachs analyst Steve Frye said, "Having an unfrozen caveman CEO may frighten some investors but shouldn't effect the earnings outlook in the long term."

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