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Friday  June 2 4:21 PM EDT

Metallica's New Album is Napster-Proof

By Brian Briggs

Los Angeles, CA - Metallica released their long awaited "Download This" CD today, and the band declared it Napster-proof.  The 74 minute CD contains one 55 minute song, "Napster Begone" and a 19 minute, one-question interview with drummer Lars Ulrich.

Download This"We wanted to make an album that those bastards on Napster wouldn't steal and I think we succeeded," said Lars.  "We realized that we couldn't stop the Napster movement, so we decided to make a Napster-proof album.  The 'Napster Begone' track is so long and so horrible that no one in their right mind would take the time to download it.  Our loyal fans will buy it though, because most have spent so much money on our merchandise that they can't afford a computer."

Critics agree that even people with the fastest connections to the internet shouldn't bother downloading the 56+ MB "Napster Begone" MP3.  "It's pretty horrible," said one critic, "Luckily I got it for free.  The song goes on and on about how evil Napster is, then the interview is more of the same thing.   The interviewer asks Lars how he is doing and then he blathers on for 19 minutes.   Will that Lars ever shut up?"

Here's a snippet from some of the song's 278 verses:

Evil Napster, takes from me.
Crushing souls, and wrecking dreams,
MP3 you violate,
Copyrights, you desecrate.

Evil Napster, so dangerous
Stealing bread right from my mouth
T3 lines they are my bane
Evil Napster I wish you never came.

Pirates burning our CDs,
Screwing with my reality.
Evil Napster, devil from beyond
Demon Napster....begone.

Music industry follower Steve Cazarini said, "I don't think you'll see this done by many other artists.  Sure Metallica can pull off a 55 minute song, but a band like the Backstreet Boys would run out of words that rhyme with 'fire' and 'love' after about 6 minutes.  Even the mega-dance remix of "I Want It That Way" only ran for 8 minutes.  It's just not an option for most groups."

"Download This" is available now at your local retailer and at your favorite online shops.

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