Washington D.C. - President Clinton signed a law today that will
set up a federal agency to distribute souls to spammers.
"It is a great day for this country as the soulless spammers
who plague our nation will receive the souls that they so dearly
need," said President Clinton. The Federal Souls for Spammers
Agency (FSSA) will be responsible for the retrieval and distribution
of the souls.
The supply of souls will come from inmates who die in the Federal
and State prison systems, including those prisoners executed by the
government. An amendment that would have taken souls from deceased
politicians was rejected, because technology for retrieving such
microscopic souls has not been perfected.
Using souls from murderers and other violent criminals
is troubling some citizens, but proponents of the law say that is
a risk worth taking. Senator Trent Lott said "I think
that if you ask John Q. Public he will say that he would rather live
next to a murderer than a soulless spammer." A recent
poll by USA Today confirms Senator Lott's opinion (see chart below).
The Association of Soulless Spammers (ASS) vehemently
opposes the law saying that being devoid of a human soul is a fundamental
right protected by the constitution and promises to take the fight
all the way to the Supreme Court. ASS President Henry Selmon
said, "This is just another intrusion the government is
making in citizens' lives. When will this stop? Are they
going to require spammers to have a heart and a conscience next?"
ASS member Herbert Rocco added, "Accept credit
cards over the internet! Lose weight while you sleep. Free
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