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Thursday  September 7  10:55 PM EDT

CEO Gets New Computer,
Cards Bounce Faster

By Brian Briggs

Salt Lake City - James Renworth, CEO of Vectrex Container knew something was wrong.  The victory sequence in solitaire just didn't seem to go as fast as it used to. "I thought maybe it was the modem," he said, "but after consulting with my IT staff I realized I needed a new jigga-hertz machine with a flat panel display.  After they got that thing in here, man, look at those cards go. It's a blur. Woohoo!"   Mr. Renworth also claims that the internet runs faster.

Why?"We were pretty worried when he called us in," said computer guy Craig Barris, "Usually it's 'which way does the paper go on the fax machine?' or 'how do I send an email' but this time it was just his solitaire running slow. The only solution was a new computer."

"Sure, the other employees were pissed that we took so much time installing the new system," Craig said, "but when they realize that Outlook Express loads faster and Mr. Renworth can leave 5 seconds earlier to play golf they won't mind."

"It's great he's got that new machine," said CAD specialist Wendy Petska, "I've got dibs on his monitor and Frank over there has dibs on his memory.   Goodbye old 14 incher!"

Wall Street analysts also agree with the move.  "After losses of $46.2 million dollars last quarter and layoffs of 20% of the work force, morale of the CEO is very important," said Bill Hutchinson of Bear Stearns.  "This is a very shrewd move on his part.  I'm upgrading them from buy to a super-strong buy."   Stock in Vectrex Container was up 1 1/8 in afternoon trading.

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