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Thursday, February 8 12:01 AM EST

Bush Tells Childhood Bully, "This Army!"

By Brian Briggs

Midland, TX - As one of his first actions as Commander in Chief, George W. Bush ordered the elite members of the US Army Green Berets to accompany him on a joint mission to his boyhood hometown of Midland, Texas and confront childhood bully Eddie Sizemore.  Bush said, "I remember when we were kids he'd pick on me, give me wedgies and I told him I was going to beat him up, and he said 'Yea, you and what army?' and then he'd laugh and laugh."

Under the cover of darkness the Green Berets stormed Mr. Sizemore's home, handcuffed him and hung him from a hook they had installed in the ceiling.  President Bush then entered the secure premises and said, "Who's laughing now, fatty,"and slapped him in the face with his gloves. Bush then borrowed a soldier's rifle and began ramming the butt of the gun into Mr. Sizemore's ribs.  A two hour torture session of wedgies and genital electrocution at Bush's instruction then ensued.

A battered Sizemore spoke from his bed at an area hospital, "I guess I deserved the two broken ribs and the dislocated shoulders.  I was pretty rough on him when we were kids, but the acid drops on the eyelids was going too far."

"I think America's youth learned a valuable lesson tonight.  They learned that they can stand up to bullies like Mr. Sizemore.  I can guarantee you that Mr. Sizemore won't be bullying any children any time soon," said Bush.  "Sure it would help if every child could have an elite squadron of Green Berets at their disposal, but that's just one of the perks of this job.  Sorry kids."

Democrats were outraged at the wanton abuse of power by the President.  "I can't even begin to list the number of constitutional violations that occurred last night," said Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle.  "If the government is going to begin invading homes of our citizens and torturing them, they would be better off beginning with Charlie Watman who made my life a living hell in the sixth grade."

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