Washington DC - Facing criticisms of vague warnings about dangers
to Americans, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced today that
Tom Forsman of Peoria, Illinois would die today of an apparent hit
and run accident.
don't normally release such information because it would cause undue
panic in American citizens," said Ashcroft, "but we've
been under immense pressure to give more specific information. This
week America should be on high alert for possible terrorist attacks
and Shirley Rose, your husband is being unfaithful."
Several other warnings were also issued. Harold George of Dearborn,
Michigan was warned to watch out for that big pothole on I-94. Cynthia
Chou of Jacksonville, Florida was warned she will die of a heart
attack at 6:03 PM on Wednesday.
Cynthia Chou commented that she wasn't sure she liked the new warnings
and was wondering if the government could get "a little more
Ashcroft did not reveal how the government could give such specific
warnings about future acts, but said, "The government has never
developed any time travel technology, nor have we systematically
implanted neurotransmission devices in our citizens since 1972."
"I knew it. I knew the government was holding back on us. I
just didn't imagine how much," said Gerald Wilson. "I wonder
if they know how I'll do on my Calc mid-term?"
Ashcroft said, "B+."
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