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New York - Early this morning, disgraced former football player
and accused murderer OJ Simpson stood on a platform overlooking Ground
Zero and announced, "I have finally found The Real Killers.
It turns out that they were not, as I had previously thought, working
on a golf course or at a strip club. It turns out that The Real Killers
were working in the World Trade Center. Unfortunately, due to the
tragic events of September 11, we will never be able to recover their
bodies, or bring them to justice."
 A
small crowd of homeless who were assembled for the event nodded in
agreement. Several cried out "I thought there was supposed to
be food at this thing," in support of OJ.
"I really feel vindicated today. I have always maintained my
innocence, which was confirmed by 12 of the smartest, most astute
residents of Los Angeles," OJ continued, flashing a smile and
a "thumbs up" at reporters, "but many people doubted
my innocence, and I'm very happy to stand here today, with irrefutable
evidence of not only my innocence, but my complete lack of guilt."
Simpson failed to describe the presumably dogged investigation which
led him to the site of the worst terrorist act in US history, commenting
that he was considering writing a book about his investigation, tentatively
titled, "Golfing with the Juice".
Simpson then eschewed the question and answer period which normally
follows a press conference, citing a tee-time and an upcoming appearance
at a New Jersey autograph show.
Incensed by OJ's claims, talk show host Geraldo Rivera promised
a 2 hour special in which he would dig through the rubble at Ground
Zero and uncover nothing supporting OJ's alleged discovery. "Just
as soon as I get back from Afghanistan, I will begin my investigation," Rivera
said via satellite phone from Kandahar, "of course, I could
just do my report from here. Not being in the actual location hasn't
stopped me from reporting on events before, so check local listings."
Simpson was at Ground Zero scouting locations for a self-produced
upcoming film, "American Justice: How to Kill People and Get
Away With It, A Love Story"
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