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Monday, January 14 12:01 AM EST

OJ Simpson Unearths the Real Killers

By Wil Wheaton

New York - Early this morning, disgraced former football player and accused murderer OJ Simpson stood on a platform overlooking Ground Zero and announced, "I have finally found The Real Killers. It turns out that they were not, as I had previously thought, working on a golf course or at a strip club. It turns out that The Real Killers were working in the World Trade Center. Unfortunately, due to the tragic events of September 11, we will never be able to recover their bodies, or bring them to justice."

It's behind me now.A small crowd of homeless who were assembled for the event nodded in agreement. Several cried out "I thought there was supposed to be food at this thing," in support of OJ.

"I really feel vindicated today. I have always maintained my innocence, which was confirmed by 12 of the smartest, most astute residents of Los Angeles," OJ continued, flashing a smile and a "thumbs up" at reporters, "but many people doubted my innocence, and I'm very happy to stand here today, with irrefutable evidence of not only my innocence, but my complete lack of guilt."

Simpson failed to describe the presumably dogged investigation which led him to the site of the worst terrorist act in US history, commenting that he was considering writing a book about his investigation, tentatively titled, "Golfing with the Juice".

Simpson then eschewed the question and answer period which normally
follows a press conference, citing a tee-time and an upcoming appearance
at a New Jersey autograph show.

Incensed by OJ's claims, talk show host Geraldo Rivera promised a 2 hour special in which he would dig through the rubble at Ground Zero and uncover nothing supporting OJ's alleged discovery. "Just as soon as I get back from Afghanistan, I will begin my investigation," Rivera said via satellite phone from Kandahar, "of course, I could just do my report from here. Not being in the actual location hasn't stopped me from reporting on events before, so check local listings."

Simpson was at Ground Zero scouting locations for a self-produced upcoming film, "American Justice: How to Kill People and Get Away With It, A Love Story"

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