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Wednesday, January 30 12:01 AM EST

Unemployment Office Destroyed
In War on Recession

By Brian Briggs

Trenton, NJ - The first salvo in the War on Recession, announced at President Bush's State of the Union address, was victorious when an unemployment office in Trenton, New Jersey was destroyed by allied bombers. Seventeen people, who will no longer be categorized in government statistics as unemployed but unemployable, were killed in the raid.

While sanguine with the early success of Operation Enduring Growth, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that this would be a "long grueling war and would require even more fortitude than dropping bombs on Kabul."

Rumsfeld also stated that forces were being positioned for an assault on the New York Stock Exchange which he stated "is well known to be a root source of recession. We're coordinating with the Treasury Department to find these people responsible for the recession and smoke them out of their cubicles, off of the trading floor and into our nets. No one will escape."

President Bush offered more specifics on the operation today from the White House. "The threat from recession is real. Our citizens will not live in fear of poor economic times. All the might of the United States will be mobilized to eradicate the world of this evil recession," he said. The President continued, "Therefore, as part of Operation Enduring Growth, I am ordering the Air Force to begin bombing underperforming chain stores and warehouses hoarding excess inventories."

Bush also named Japan and Germany as sponsors of worldwide recession, adding them to the blacklist of countries who must increase economic activity or face the might of the US military.

The Democratic response to the War on Recession was offered by Senate Majority Leader, Tom Daschle. "The President is misguided in his policy. The proper action is to bomb third world countries into oblivion so multi-national corporations cannot export jobs away from hard-working Americans."

British Prime Minister, Tony Blair roundly supported the President, stating that British bombers we're already en route to Frankfurt and Paris in support of Operation Enduring Growth.

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