1. Charcoal filtered seat to eliminate offensive office smells.
Comes in handy after cafeteria meals.
2. Magic Fingers imitation pleather executive chair with adjustable
lumbar and ABEC 5 casters (capable of hall speeds up to 30mph).
3. Plasma Screen for best DVD resolution.
4. Two (2) Intel Dual Pentium 1.6 GHz, GeForce4, Audigy 5.1
sound. One for writing tickets, one for capturing the flag.
Panic KVM button allows smooth transition between each.
5. Hands-Free view phone with optional "Electrocute Caller" feature,
and print feature for cute callers.
6. Beer Fridge (Miller Products-upper shelf, imports-bottom
7. Trapdoor to Rancor Pit for nosy coworkers. (Not a real
Rancor, so do NOT email me, PETA!)
8. Star Wars Figure Collection for those 15 seconds of free
9. Intravenous Mountain Dew.
10. Faux cityscape window to dampen depression and suicidal
tendencies. The fact that it's a poster also keeps me from
attempting to jump out (But I have tunneled under).
11. Locked cabinet with emergency cache of vodka, cyanide
pills, DVDs and extra ammo (Note to self: Restock Vodka).
12. DirecTV for Tech TV and Cinemax.
13. 12 Gauge boom stick.
14. Industrial Strength Shredder (may snag on larger bones
and Italian leather shoes)
15. Direct chute to incinerator.
16. BossAlert laser tripwire (Overcharge mode for disabling
quicker managers). Laser tripwire sounds in headset, just in
case I'm sleeping at the time.