Apr 20 - May 20
The promotion your supervisor has been promising you for the past six months
is just a ruse to get you to work harder. Get a clue and start screwing off more,
May 21 - June 21
It was supposed to be "Bring Your Son or Daughter to Work Day", not "Show
Up Drunk Again and Puke on Ruth Berger's 9-Year-Old Day". But it's an
easy mistake. Don't be so tough on yourself.
June 22 - July 22
Ping to Jupiter has timed out. You cannot get a horoscope this week.
July 23 - Aug 22
While calling your friends True Believers and saying "Excelsior" instead
of "Good-bye" makes you more like Stan Lee, it will also make you
the honored guest speaker at the Fucking Dork Convention.
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You left the rules of "Fight Club" in the copier again, and now Stuart,
the mailroom guy with the lazy eye and club foot wants in.
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Be thankful for all your abilities. Not everyone can type with their nosehair.
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Hey, cheapskate! You'd have to fix your mom's computer all year anyway so one
of those lame coupons for "Free One Year of Computer Service" isn't
that special and she knows it.
Nov 22 - Dec 21
The bad news is you ARE going blind. The good news is that it's caused by your
14" monitor at 1280x1024 and not what you're doing while looking at it.
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your boss is growing suspicious of your corporate credit card bills. Maybe
Harry's House of Poontang isn't the best place to entertain your clients "Joe
Smith" and "Bob Brown".
Jan 20 - Feb 18
There's an exotic stranger in your future. He's tall, dark, handsome, and crouched
in a fetal position under your desk.
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Buying that deck of Pokemon trading cards will make you popular with the girls.
With the 8-year-old girls, that is.
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Sponsoring the local little league team was generous, but getting them drunk
after the game was illegal. Move back two spaces.