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Friday, June 14 12:00 AM EDT

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
An unfortunate backhoe accident that cuts both your cable and telephone connections leads you to discover a beautiful and enchanting world that others call "outside".

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Your horoscope this week says you are a gullible person who believes in horoscopes. Don't believe it!

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You might think that those hard drives in your Linux server crashed because of a bad power supply. Think again. Maybe if you used it on your desktop instead of leaving it in the corner of the basement as a firewall it wouldn't have to lash out just to get some attention.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your girlfriend becomes a bit concerned when you start coming home late from work everyday. You assure her it's not another woman, just that you're feeding your Nethack addiction. That doesn't seem to calm her nerves.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Help your dad and the Internet this Father's Day by visiting him in person and making sure he's not posing as a 13 year old girl in the AOL chat rooms.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your office has a loose ceiling tile with your name on it. You have no chance to survive, make your time.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
That spam filter you wrote will prove dangerous when it blocks the "employment termination notices" that your boss sent to you. You'll end up working for two more months at the company wondering why you haven't gotten a paycheck.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll be unable to convince your mom that it's just thermal paste all over the keyboard. No Internet for you for a week young man.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will be praised this week by your generous boss. By praised I mean maimed. And by generous I mean psychotic. And by boss I mean gorilla.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Taking paper clips and staples home from work is OK, but taking a 21-inch monitor home is considered theft. Go directly to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your lack of knowledge on soccer will be demonstrated this week as your random score generator for guessing the results of the World Cup ends with Saudi Arabia beating China 37-25 in the finals.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Don't get too excited it's not uncommon for a woman to say "free mounting" in a tire commercial.

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