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Wednesday, June 19 12:01 AM EST

Ultimate Tech Support Resume

By Nolan Curtis

I've gotten a lot of emails recently asking me "Nolan, what does it take to be a successful support technician?" and I've decided to assemble in one place all the skills necessary for success in this most envious of fields. You may find that you have what it takes to be like me. So without any further fanfare, I give you

Nolan Curtis' Ultimate Tech Support Resume

Support Technician *insert your own name here*

Objectives: To secure a position in the lucrative and rewarding field of technical support. To give me the opportunity to enrich my own skills while being rewarded with the satisfaction of those whom I have bestowed my wisdom upon.

Education:
M.I.T. *Miami Institute of Taxidermy - Miami, FL* Magna cum Laude *ranked 2nd in a class of 5*
Gilbert Lowell School for the Gifted
Dwight D. Eisenhower Elementary School *I got an A in art, but failed phys ed*

Work Experience:
Sept 1989-June 1990 : Babbages, Sales Associate *fired*
July 1990-Aug 1990 : Compuserve, Support Rep *fired*
Aug 1990-Oct 1993 : America Online (AOL), Personal Helper *fired*
Nov 1993-Feb 1994: Grandpa's Lap, Exotic Dancer
May 1994-May 1994: Hardee's, Chicken Frier *quit*
May 1994-May 1994: Microtex, Tech Support *fired*
May 1994-May 1994: TeknoMicro, Tech Support *fired*
May 1994-June 1994: TeqnoTek Technologies, Tech Support *fired*
June 1994-Jan 2001: Microsoft, janitor *arrested, charges dropped*
Jan 2001-Present: BBspot, Supervising Technical Support Engineer

Technical Skills:
I have owned, operated, and been intimate with computers since I was a young boy. I cut my teeth on a Kaypro 8088, I was around for the birth of the Internet*at 1200 baud*, and today I bathe in the glow that Linus Torvalds *and George Lucas* give off. In fact, I have been told on a number of occasions that I am more suited to a life with computers than with living, breathing humans.
I am fluent in Klingon, and familiar with all the Lucas Arts games *Even Star Wars Demolition and Force Commander, despite how severely they sucked*. I use Mac, Microsoft, and Linux operating systems, run my own webserver and FTP, and on weekends, I host an Everquest campaign based on the life of Sally Field. I am an expert defragger, and run scandisk sometimes twice a day.

Interpersonal Skills
None to speak of.

Certifications:
WNBA
NAACP
LSAT
MMMBOP
ATS/DRC

References:
Upon request.

More Nolan Curtis

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