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Friday, August 16 12:00 AM EDT

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Your friends are surprised at how well you take being cut out of the latest Star Trek movie, little do they know that you've got plans involving a flashing strobe light and a Vulcan death grip that will remedy the injustice.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
If your deliverable is gonna be postponed again, don't blame yourself. Blame a swarm of locusts or the color of your customer's eyes. You'll feel better, trust me.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
It's not just coincidence that if you try to pronounce "DHTML", it sounds awfully close to "dammit-all-to-hell".

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
That strange taste in your mouth is not the Sweet Taste of Victory. It's due to your all-turnip diet, which by the way, isn't working.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
What goes up must come down. You're gonna run out of Viagra soon enough.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
The saying is "Sex sells," not "Nudity at a job interview guarantees a callback." ps. Prince Albert rings are SO last year.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
It'll take weeks to get over but eventually the pain of learning that LinuxWorld is a convention and not a theme park with cool penguin rides will go away.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
It certainly was a deal of a lifetime for those "government surplus" computers from that guy on the corner. By the way the FBI called they want their laptops back.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Much of your week will be used to come up with silly alternatives for the Digital Rights Management acronym DRM, like Dumb Retarded Moron and Deluxe Reaming Mechanism.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Your years of perfecting plays on TecmoBowl will finally pay off as the Detroit Lions name you their new offensive coordinator.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The stars believe your blue screens in Windows are caused by a faulty registry entry. They suggest randomly deleting entries until the problem disappears.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You'll decide the vi vs. emacs debate with your roommate this week in the only way possible - Tux Racer.

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