Redmond, WA - At a technology conference for developers, representatives
from Microsoft and Intel outlined the Can't Do Shit (CDS) Road Map
for future cooperative products between the two companies. They predict
that in 6 years it will be impossible to violate a copyright with
a computer, or to do anything at
all for that matter.
"We're very confident that with the release of our Palladium
platform and Intel's LaGrande none of consumers' previous digital
media will work. No MP3s, no movie files, nothing," said Josiah
Witman, Microsoft's head of the Palladium initiative. "The following
year we plan to release a new version of Office that will be unable
to function with any files created by previous versions. Thus furthering
the CDs initiative greatly."
He also stated that the version of Windows slated for release in
2007 code named Shredder would destroy all files upon installation. "We
must be sure consumers do not have any illegal digital content on
their systems," emphasized Witman.
Intel foresees a similar path. "Our LaGrande processor will
make sure that any digital media is completely inaccessible without
paying a fee. The next generation of processors will perform at double
the speed but will be incapable outputting any video signals. If
consumers can bypass Microsoft's content protection system we have
to make sure they can't utilize it in any way," said Harold
Gresler of Intel.
Developers agreed that the future of computing is not being able
to do shit. "I can't wait to start developing for the CDs platform.
You give the customer control of the computer and they just screw
things up," said Tom Robbins of Plusex Designs. "It's better
to make sure they can't do shit. Then you've got a stability."
Many militant computer users have begun stocking up on computer
hardware and digital media and plan on never upgrading again, "If
that's the path computing is taking then I'm staying here in 2002."
To discourage hoarding Microsoft and Intel plan a joint lobbying
effort on legislation that would mandate upgrades to the new computer
system by all citizens. "We can't have fringe computer groups
stockpiling useful hardware and software," said Gresler. "We
envision CompSquads destroying antiquated equipment so Americans
can enjoy only the most cutting edge technology."
Many consumers agreed, "I think Microsoft and Intel are moving
very quickly with this new plan, because I'm already at the point
where I can't do shit with their products."
Representatives from Real endorsed the development road map and
said that they would do their best to make sure that their next media
player, RealTwo, would be unable to do shit. "We plan to have
RealTwo take file associations for everything. When you click on
a .doc file RealTwo will try to open it. It will completely paralyze
novices, and cause experts to destroy their computers in fits of
Music and movie executive applauded the plan. RIAA president Hilary
Rosen stated that "when consumers can't do shit with their computers
then we'll be able to unveil our new digital music plan."
Microsoft has denied allegations that future versions of Windows
will use the codebase from Windows for Workgroups 3.11.
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