Washington DC - Americans already upset by rising fuel prices have
a new worry at the gas pump, an automobile virus that can take control
of their vehicles. The Office of Homeland Security has issued a Fuchsia
Alert to all motorists. The virus, Autocae Electrophallus, spreads
through infected gas pump nozzles during refueling.
need to be careful," said Director Tom Ridge. "We think
this virus might be part of a terrorist plot. We haven't been able
to trace the origins of the crude oil, but we think it may be of
Kurt Nipper of the (AVRC) said, "It's a petroleum based, human-engineered
virus. It's very ingenious which tells us it's not of domestic origin."
Nipper explained how the virus infiltrates the infected car's control
systems, "First, the virus spreads through tainted nozzles at
gas stations into the fuel system of the car. Next it goes through
the spark plugs into the car's electrical system. After migrating
to the electrical system it uses the car's onboard computer to take
control of the steering system and accelerator pedal."
assured concerned citizens that the major automakers are working
on an anti-virus patch and will have them available at dealers later
this week. Until then they suggest only refueling with virgin nozzles,
or in absolute fuel emergencies, using a nozzle condom with auto-viruscide.
The assurances haven't lessened rising levels of fear at gas stations
all over the country. "I was pumping away, without a care in
the world," said Clayton Morris of Baltimore, "when I realized
I forgot my nozzle condom. I panicked and pulled out. I shot gas
all over the car and my feet. I think I may have infected my shoes."
Some motorists, who said that putting on a nozzle condom ruins the
refueling experience, have tried other methods of avoiding infection. "Well,
I hate those rubber things, so I don't insert the nozzle into my
car. I just shoot the gas into the hole from a few inches away," said
Simone Washburn offered a different solution, "I move the nozzle
in and out really fast so the virus doesn't have a chance to infect
Owners of alternative fuel vehicles were struck with a major case
of schadenfreude. Electric car owner Luna Westrop said, "With
the lifestyle they have chosen those gas guzzling nozzle pokers shouldn't
be surprised they're diseased."
Signs you could be infected include:
- The car begins pulling to the right
- White steam is escaping from the back of the car
- Lights on the back of your car flash whenever you push the brake
If you think you've become infected do not turn on your cars air
conditioning or heat. The virus could become airborne and infect
your dog, which may cause him to run in circles.
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