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Tuesday,  January 14 12:01 AM EDT

Tobacco Company To
Sue Lifelong Smoker

By Jason Simpson

Winston-Salem, NC - R.J. Reynolds, maker of cigarettes such as Camel and Winston, announced it will take legal action against Otis Bauer. Bauer's physician recently informed him that he is suffering from lung cancer, which is causing R.J. Reynolds, according to company spokesperson Milos Labrou, "irreparable damage to the company's image."

"We feel very betrayed," said Labrou. "It's publicity like this which has cost our company billions of dollars in sales losses, legal tangles and printing fees for health disclaimers on the product itself. Ink does not grow on trees, you know."

When asked why the company had singled out Mr. Bauer when thousands of smoking related cancer diagnoses are reported every year in the US, Labrou responded, "We have to make an example out of someone. This stuff gets in the news all the time and it just ruins us. I mean, how would you feel if, say, Hitler were walking up and down the streets using your product? It just doesn't send the right message."

The "right message," according to Labrou, is simple, "If you plan on getting cancer, do not start smoking." If we all follow this simple guideline, Labrou contends it will save individuals and corporations their valuable revenues, livelihood and lives.

R.J. Reynolds has subpoenaed Bauer's high school yearbook as evidence that he was also a loser in high school. "Not only did this guy get cancer, but for his whole life he's been a failure and a loser. That is not the kind of image we want to portray."

Bauer has refused to comment on the lawsuit.

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