South Bend, IN - Questions regarding possible future plans for recently
President William Jefferson Clinton were answered this week when Notre Dame University
announced his appointment to the faculty as tenured Professor of Sophistry.
newly established position, which carries with it a salary described
by President Clinton's spokesperson as "a whole bushel of money",
addresses a sorely felt shortcoming in the curriculum. The university
acknowledges the lack of Classical Sophistry, which a faculty commission
labels endemic despite the historic Jesuit-inspired character of
"Despite our historic preeminence in this field," said
a University spokesman, who asked to be left unnamed, "the fact
is that Notre Dame has fallen behind the pack in this vital area
of philosophical debate."
"Notre Dame," continued Dean Avril McClintock, "is
now a poor second, or perhaps even third to Harvard University as
a whole, and not just its Law School which might be expected."
"It makes little sense for a University that can field a championship
football team year after year, to be unable to produce an equivalent
number of professional sophists to fill the needs of our government
"When we decided to pursue this initiative it was amazing how
many unsolicited endorsements of President Clinton were received
by my office."
When queried as to when President Clinton is to begin teaching,
neither the University nor the President's spokesman could give a
firm date. Both sides, however, were seen to be visibly amused whenever
the word "is" was mentioned.
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