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Tuesday,  February 25 12:01 AM EDT

Grade Inflation Forces
New Grading System

By Brian Briggs

Washington D.C. - Grade inflation has forced the Secretary of Education to adopt a new grading system. Instead of using the familiar A through F grading system schools will use the scale commonly used by bond rating agencies: AAA through Caa.

New Grading System
AAA(+/-) Really, really super excellent work
AA(+-) Really, super excellent work
A(+/-) Excellent skills
Baa(+/-) Incredible achievement
Caa(+/-) The teacher doesn't like you

In the 1960s students rarely received A's. Most grades were in the C and D range, but in the 1970s hyper-inflation struck and soon students were making the honor roll at an unprecedented pace. Recently, at one high school in New Jersey, only one B+ was given out, and the rest were A's an A+'s. After a failed campaign of "Whip Grade Inflation Now" buttons, the Secretary of Education finally endorsed a national standard.

Before the new scale was established, teachers were forced to be creative with grades above an A+. Some gave out an A++, others would write A+ and a smiley face. The lack of standard only caused confusion for students, who wondered what was better, a smiley face or an extra +. The new scale should make it easier for teachers to give out accurate grades that truly reflect the student's abilities.

Principal Stan Gerber explained, "Everyone is happy with the new system. The students are happy, because it's not easier to get into college. The teachers are happy because they don't have to compromise their teaching standards. And parents are happy most of all because they can honestly say their kid is getting straight A's."

There were many proposals for the Secretary to approve. One submittal by the National Math Club Association was rejected, because it required a knowledge of complex differential equations. A proposal by a parents' organization was turned down, because its AAAAA+ through A+ scale was considered too lenient.

The new grading system has obviated the need for the President's recently introduced bill that would've required children to get dumber.

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