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Washington, D.C. - This weekend the District of Columbia fell under
meteorological attack and the nation's capital has been crippled. "Several
inches of snow have fallen on the DC area and more snow is on the
way," reported the local NBC television station.
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| The Snow Miser
was arrested, but subsequently released for the 1936 New
York Blizzard Attack. |
On CNN's Late Edition, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge refused
to speculate on possible causes of the siege. Ridge stated: "We
can either be afraid, or we can be ready. America chooses to be ready."
The Homeland Security Agency has plans underway to issue over 20,000
snow shovels and "several tons" of ice melt. Ridge added
that the national terror alert will be maintained at orange, the
second-highest level, for the foreseeable future, and if needed,
will be raised to red in hopes that its glow will melt the ice and
snow.
Pentagon officials have openly speculated that one man is behind
the terror that has immobilized the American capital. "We have
seen his work in the past. We don't need UN inspectors to tell us
who is behind today's events," proclaimed Secretary of Defense
Donald Rumsfeld. "Only one man has the technology to grasp Washington
in his icy clutch: Mr. Ten Below himself, the Snow Miser."
The State Department issued a release which stated: "We have
incontrovertible evidence that the Snow Miser is an Al-Qaeda operative." The
report also stated, "It is no coincidence that this white powder
was targeted on the nation's capital."
When reached for comment, Snow Miser replied, "I have no involvement
with the situation in Washington. The climate there turned cold back
when the Republicans took control."
District residents joined together early Sunday morning to aid those
in need after the attack. Several convoys of SUVs were formed to
aid in global warming and to escort political pundits to television
studios for "Meet the Press", "Face the Nation", "This
Week" and "Fox News Sunday" where Tony Snow appealed
for viewer's pity during the ongoing snowfall.
Keeping with the tradition of past District mayors, Anthony Williams
has cut short his vacation to Puerto Rico in response to the tragedy.
The Mayor received word of the situation while touring the Bacardi
Rum Distillery. With only one open runway between the region's three
international airports, the Mayor's return has been delayed. Williams
has set-up an interim emergency command center at the San Juan Marriott
Resort and Stellaris Casino's La Isla bar.
Officials called rumors of a mid-summer attack by the Heat Miser "unsubstantiated."
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