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Tuesday,  March 3 12:01 AM EDT

The Vatican Against Cloning In
Programming Languages

By Francisco Rangel

Vatican City - The Vatican has announced today that all Catholic computer programmers must abstain from using cloning methods in Object Oriented programming if they are to go to Heaven, stating that the Church considers cloning an act against God. They have recently discovered that in most Object Oriented languages it is common for objects to be cloneable and possess a "clone()" method, which creates an exact copy of the object.

The Pope looks down on cloning

"We weren't aware that there are many programming languages that allow cloning," stated Giorgio Panzanella, a representative for the Vatican. "We are outraged that this cloning has been going on for quite some time now. God created those strings and linked lists. Who are we humans to clone them?"

"We have identified some of the languages that allow this sort of abomination," continued Panzanella. "The first one we found was Java, and the Pope has already issued an order to immediately excommunicate all of Sun Microsystems' Catholic programmers. We also found out that programming languages for the .NET framework allow cloning, but Microsoft programmers have already sold their souls to Bill Gates and are therefore banned from the Church, so no excommunicating was necessary."

There have been reports of cloning gone bad. Antonio Miller, a Java programmer, admitted, "I was inexperienced, and I was trying to clone a JButton, so I made it cloneable. When I cloned it, however, the copy of the JButton was somehow merged with the original. They shared fonts, colors, and event listeners. The poor, wretched thing was suffering, so I had to garbage-collect it."

The Vatican has already asked Sun Microsystems to remove the Cloneable interface from the Java class library, and offered salvation in exchange. In a press release, Sun has announced that it is considering replacing the Cloneable interface with a Copyable or Duplicateable interface in Java 1.5. Although the new Java Runtime Environment won't offer backward compatibility with current Java software, Sun hopes to get the Church off its back, stating that "we'd rather deal with e-mail from angry programmers, than with angry priests picketing outside the building."

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