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Monday,  March 31 12:01 AM EDT

Microsoft, Military Announce Operation
Red, White and Blue Screen of Death

By Brian Briggs

Qatar - A Microsoft spokesman announced today at Central Command in the desert of Qatar, that Microsoft recently helped the allied war effort by donating 100,000 fully licensed copies of Windows 95 to the current Iraqi regime.

Unbeknownst to the Iraqis, this "gift" from Microsoft is part of the psychological warfare and infrastructure destruction campaign of the allied forces, called Operation Red, White and Blue Screen of Death.

The copies of Windows 95 were standard copies of the software with only one devious change.

Microsoft's VP of Marketing Marie Bixby explained, "All the instability, and bugs that came with the original version are still there, but as part of the psychological operations of the war, we modified the infamous Blue Screen of Death to the more patriotic red, white and blue. General Protection Fault will be marching all over the Iraqi regime, and he'll be waving Old Glory."

"We have been very careful not to destroy any critical infrastructure in Iraq," said Brigadier General Victor Hanlon. "But that is about to change. Windows 95 will destroy the information technology infrastructure of Iraq almost immediately. Microsoft even modified their license agreement to allow Iraqis to copy the software onto multiple computers without further licensing requirements."

Experts agreed that the Iraqi people will not be able to resist such powerful imagery. Retired programmer Yvette Keeling said, "Using Windows 95 will be very frustrating for Hussein and his henchmen. He'll be typing up military orders then BAM, the system will crash and the flag will be flying in his face. I wouldn't be surprised if he surrendered right then and there."

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The Iraqi government was suspicious of the deal, but accepted the donation when Microsoft showed them the powerful land mine removal simulator, Minesweeper.

Ambassadors from France decried the move as a violation of the Geneva Convention and stated that, "no regime or people, no matter how evil, should be subjected to such tortures."

Microsoft did not receive payment from the US government as part of the operation, but does hope to profit by offering upgrades to Windows XP after the war has ended.

More Microsoft News

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