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Wednesday, April 16 12:01 AM EST

BBspot Mailbag

Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.

Battle Monkeys

Sometime readers really enjoy the links that get posted on BBspot...

From: Dan Dise
Sent: Friday, April 11, 2003 1:47 PM
To: 'briggsb@bbspot.com'
Subject: Food-Eating battle monkeys

I've found my new passion in life!  The battle monkeys may very well answer all of life's greatest mysteries. 

For instance, Darth Vader beats Darth Maul.  That was always pretty much a given, though.  More interesting is that the poll was wrongGandalf beats Darth Maul, Neo beats Gandalf, but Superman wipes the floor with Neo.  Incidentally, Neo even beats God.  OK, maybe that was a given, too, since reason wins out against religion.

I found it highly disturbing that Carrot Top tromped the Uruk Hai.  That red-headed freak really is evil incarnate.

The site says that I should pick any reason to beat my schlong.  I really don't know about that since my balls beat all.  I'll digress at this point.  Sophmoric humor always loses to dignity, as it should.

OJ did it to the one-armed man, The Brady Bunch kicked ass against the Partridge Family, Ford rolls right over Chevy, and Dahmer had Lecter for lunch.

Joe beats the volcano.  So does Tommy Lee Jones.  I don' t know where I'm going to go when the volcano blows, but apparently I won't be eating cheeseburgers in paradise.

Everybody knows that Ike beat Tina, but did you know that Michael Jackson beats Bubbles

The DOJ beats Microsoft, but the Justice League beats the DOJ.  They have Superman, after all.

After all of that in-depth investigation, all I have to say is... I'm beat.

Very nice.

Future BBspot Writers

This week we've got a couple of aspiring writers trying to humor you...

From: 96BRADYC [mailto:96BRADYC@xxxxxxuk]
Sent: Monday, April 07, 2003 6:22 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: What do you think

McDonalds Starts Cyber Café

McDonalds has officially stated it is planning an online restaurant, for the computers. The international fast food franchise has declared that electronic food is the future of the organisation. In plans, made public, over the web, yesterday, the website will be remodelled to accommodate the needs of a restaurant, including food, tills, seats, and a large supply of ice. A spokeswoman for the company said"

The managers feel that it is time the computers were allowed to enjoy our products too. The computers are there for our every need, and they must get tired, so they need the equivalent of a Big Mac.

Can’t you imagine it, after hours of typing and processing, the computers simply need you to access the website and order them a meal. The electronic food can be either eaten in, or returned to the desktop, so the computer can eat whilst continuing to work."

Between noon and 14:00, we receive millions of office workers wanting sustenance. Of course, we can only give them over-salted fries, but in theory, they must enjoy it, or they wouldn’t return. Isn’t it fair, that the computers, that do as much, if not more in the same amount of time get the same benefits?

The standard electronic meal can be downloaded for £3.50, the price of a McChicken Meal. Eventually there will be more variety, but the BBQ sauce is causing mass server breakdown in trials, so more work is needed.

One computer, an Apple Mac, said in response to the news: “It's about time, every lunch, my user, Tracy, a secretary from Birmingham, goes out and just leaves me here, empty. Its like she doesn’t care about me, we have feelings too you know.”

The renovated website will open in June, just in time for the office fans to stop working, so the computers need the McFlurry to cool them down. The website will also employ a 40-year-old cleaner that bullies every person she meets, and refuses to clean up the squashed fries on the floor, that is part of her job description, to maintain the authenticity of a McDonalds Restaurant.

You can tell it's not real, nothing in birmingham, is that well spoken.

Btw, i didn't realise the april Fools 'til after i got to the end, i hate you, i hate you so much ;)

--------------

This Just In: Maryland Liberated

(copyright Saddam Non-Aggression News International)

by Ray D. Sheff

REPORTER: Hello, this is Abdul Al-Jazeera, your embedded reporter live from an undisclosed location in Chevy Chase, Maryland, just north of the regime’s capital, not far from highway 495, brought to total ruin by a barrage of Mother of all Bombs missiles launched last night.

ANCHORWOMAN. Hi Abdul, wonderful to hear you! How gloriously Allah has blessed our technology! We can actually see you! A bit fuzzy, but no problem! Wow! How are our fearless troops doing?

REPORTER: Great! They were enthusiastically welcomed by smiling teenagers waiving Iraqi paper flags. The kids had been scavenging for “Happy Meal” Sad-amburgers and Iraqi fries in a McDonalds spared of total destruction thanks to our super-smart high-tech Hussein bombs.

ANCHORWOMAN: Tell me more about these liberated children.

REPORTER: I’ve never seen such smiling faces. They rushed to touch our brave soldiers, to ask them questions about our freedom and justice in Iraq. The youngest begged us to bomb Maryland more so that he and his pals could understand Iraqi democracy better. Then the cheerful kids began chanting: "More bombs, more bombs!"

ANCHORWOMAN: And what does the local population say about the regime? How are the anti-regime uprisings doing?

REPORTER: The entire state is in revolt. Marylanders hate the Bush regime. See, Maryland is in the north, and people there hate Bush, who’s from the south, from warmongering Texas, where rapacious oil barons keep the despised and doomed “W” regime afloat by funneling drug money to off-shore accounts.

ANCHORWOMAN: Please give some more background to our viewers. Allah has unfortunately not made American history like our venerated past…

REPORTER: In the Civil War in the U.S. not so long ago Maryland fought against Texas. They remember that war. So they hate Bush. Also, they practice a different kind of religion in Maryland than they do in Texas. Their Protestantism is less fundamentalist. John Carroll, one of the founders of the state, was a Catholic.

ANCHORWOMAN: Great reporting, Abdul!

REPORTER: Thank you – when you’re embedded you really get to understand where you are, even if you’ve never been there, aren’t quite sure where you are, and don’t understand a word of the local language!

ANCHORWOMAN: One more question, Abdul, before we continue our up-to-the minute, round-the-clock, commercial-full coverage of our triumphant war. There are unconfirmed reports that our troops have found weapons of mass destruction (WMD) in Maryland.

REPORTER: Yes, they have. They have uncovered over 2,000 Sport Utility Vehicles (SUVs) in suburban garages. Two thousand and four and a half to be exact.

ANCHORWOMAN: It is true that some Marylanders have actually donated their WMDs to assist our forces?

REPORTER: Yes, nothing could be truer. One silver-haired lady with sunglasses and a cell phone in one hand and a ketchup-covered Sad-amburger in the other drove her SUV to the mustachiod beret-wearing colonel in our division and said: “Take my SUV. Ram it down the regime’s throat. Long live Saddam!”

ANCHORWOMAN: Another proof that this war is not one of aggression, but liberation…

Freedom Tickler

From: Pat Kane
Sent: Sunday, March 30, 2003 7:11 AM
To: Brian Briggs
Subject: Photo Chop for Freedom!

My little brother figured French's mustard could use a facelift. Tell me what you think.


That's all for this week. Thanks.

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