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Thursday,  April 3 12:01 AM EDT

Gamer Missing from Online Clan,
Puberty Suspected

By Brian Briggs

Cleveland, OH - The members of the DeViL 3k gaming clan suspect that puberty may be the reason that long time member Tadd Wiggin has disappeared. If suspicions prove accurate, it would be the third clan member abducted by puberty in the past year.

"A lot of our guys are getting to that age, so we started a Puberty Re-Education program to try to keep our losses to a minimum," said clan leader Chad Fulmer, 15. "Looks like our efforts with Wiggin have failed."

Fullmer battled with puberty for three years, so he understands the siren song of facial hair, but he was able to remain active in the clan until puberty had passed. He said, "I know what he's going through. The girls, the nocturnal emissions, it's hard to stay focussed on what is important. I hope he's returned to us soon."

"He gets some pubes and now he won't hang out with us online any more. Hell, sometimes he's not even online! It's like aliens abducted him or something," said clan member Clint Younger, 11.

Other members of the clan voiced similar concerns. Kelly Dezel, a classmate of Wiggin at Lincoln Middle School, said, "Tadd told me he was going to the dance. I just laughed, because I thought he was joking. We got a big tournament all set up for Friday. There's no way he would miss that. But I was wrong. You'd think killing together for three years would count for something."

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Wiggin's parents haven't seen or heard from him either. "Usually I can hear him upstairs shouting profanities and 'DIE, DIE, DIE', but lately he's been spending a lot of time quietly in the bathroom and down at the mall," said Wiggin's mother, Endora.

DeViL 3k isn't the only gaming clan affected by the "hairy killer." The Clan Association of America claims that 85% of gamers have experienced or will experience puberty at some point in their lives.

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