Washington, D.C. - All manner of scientists from top universities
and government agencies, and theologians from three major religions
made a rare joint press announcement Monday that the world may in
fact come to an abrupt and unprecedented end by Thursday if a critical
section of the nation's geeks do not see the first showing of The
Matrix Reloaded at its first screening, on Wednesday in most
major population centers of the United States.
signs are all there, stated Federation of American Scientists spokesperson
Dr. Gloria Allen. "Recent data on solar flare activity, meteorological
data, shifts in the Earth's magnetic field, animal behavior anomalies,
even recent discoveries in number theory, all point to a sudden end
to life as we know it if we all don't just put everything else on
Wednesday evening aside, see the film, and resign ourselves to being
late and/or tired on Thursday morning."
Religious officials concurred. "Many of the earliest writings,
by Abraham and other early prophets, portent events we are seeing
now. Across all faiths, there is general agreement that the End is
coming, but that It can be Avoided by taking in this Film."
"We were uncertain, at first, if what we were seeing was coincidence,
and we debated if what many of us were speculating was real" added
Prof. Emeritus Dan Leino of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "but
then Kimberly was voted off American Idol, and it all made sense."
Geeks confirmed official's predictions. "My world will end
if I don't see the next Matrix film the moment it comes out," confirmed
geek spokesperson and programmer Michael Perry. "Until I can
see it, my world has no meaning. I'm staying away from the usenet
until I have something to talk about."
"We have been monitoring this accumulating data for some time," added
John Marburger, Director of the Office of Science and Technology
of the Bush Administration. "Recent armed conflicts, climate
change, economic trends, popular trends... well, I guess they're
all our own doing anyway, but they all spell disaster. Losing yourself
in two hours of pure cgi carnage will turn everything around. Okay,
it won't, but it sure would be fun."
Earlier reports which stated that the earth's core had stopped spinning
were proven to be scientifically unreliable.
In separate reports, bosses, spouses and significant others everywhere
expressed skepticism that this whole thing wasn't just some sort
of ploy to let a lot of nerds ogle Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss
in tight vinyl, and then be among to first to blog about the film.
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