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Tuesday,  May 13 12:01 AM EDT

World May End If You Do
Not See The Matrix Reloaded

By Scott Likely

Washington, D.C. - All manner of scientists from top universities and government agencies, and theologians from three major religions made a rare joint press announcement Monday that the world may in fact come to an abrupt and unprecedented end by Thursday if a critical section of the nation's geeks do not see the first showing of The Matrix Reloaded at its first screening, on Wednesday in most major population centers of the United States.

The signs are all there, stated Federation of American Scientists spokesperson Dr. Gloria Allen. "Recent data on solar flare activity, meteorological data, shifts in the Earth's magnetic field, animal behavior anomalies, even recent discoveries in number theory, all point to a sudden end to life as we know it if we all don't just put everything else on Wednesday evening aside, see the film, and resign ourselves to being late and/or tired on Thursday morning."

Religious officials concurred. "Many of the earliest writings, by Abraham and other early prophets, portent events we are seeing now. Across all faiths, there is general agreement that the End is coming, but that It can be Avoided by taking in this Film."

"We were uncertain, at first, if what we were seeing was coincidence, and we debated if what many of us were speculating was real" added Prof. Emeritus Dan Leino of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "but then Kimberly was voted off American Idol, and it all made sense."

Geeks confirmed official's predictions. "My world will end if I don't see the next Matrix film the moment it comes out," confirmed geek spokesperson and programmer Michael Perry. "Until I can see it, my world has no meaning. I'm staying away from the usenet until I have something to talk about."

"We have been monitoring this accumulating data for some time," added John Marburger, Director of the Office of Science and Technology of the Bush Administration. "Recent armed conflicts, climate change, economic trends, popular trends... well, I guess they're all our own doing anyway, but they all spell disaster. Losing yourself in two hours of pure cgi carnage will turn everything around. Okay, it won't, but it sure would be fun."

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Earlier reports which stated that the earth's core had stopped spinning were proven to be scientifically unreliable.

In separate reports, bosses, spouses and significant others everywhere expressed skepticism that this whole thing wasn't just some sort of ploy to let a lot of nerds ogle Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss in tight vinyl, and then be among to first to blog about the film.

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