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Wednesday, July 23 12:01 AM EST

BBspot Mailbag

Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.

Believers

Once in a while you get an e-mail that defies belief. If it starts out with "Dear Matrix Hater..." I know it's going to be a good one. No surprise, it's from an AOL user. I posted it with the original formatting (italics theirs) for added stupidity...

From: xxxxxx@aol.com
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2003 5:09 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: the Matrix Reloaded

Dear Matrix Hater
     First of all, The Matrix Reloaded is a second addition to a trilogy, can you say that with me T-R-I-L-O-G-Y. That mean three movies in a row that connect the whole story line (with the same actors might I add). Last I checked people like it when you actually had the same actor as in the first movie like Neo being "The One". As well as Trinity and Morpheus being Neos' Guides throughout the whole three movies.  And of course theres gonna be the same guns and black clothes, that is the whole catch to the movies.  And the effects to the movies; what did you think they were gonna do, make Neo older and slower so that he can't do what he was supposed to do as being "The One". Well i hope you found what i had to say very insightfull.

I'm really tempted to rewrite this story and say that Revolutions is a Reloaded rip off.

This one isn't really a believer, but definitely from someone who takes BBspot a bit too seriously...

From: xxxxxx@xxxxxx.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2003 3:12 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Review of Tears of The Sun Trailer

I can sum up your point of vie on the trailer for this movie and your ignorant comments about it in one word: "IDIOT". It is obvious you are one of those effete, liberal elitist morons, with zero military background and a visceral hatred for your own country. Get a life loser. On the other hand, I must say I greatly appreciate your efforts, because I have come to find that if a critic dislikes a movie, its a sure bet that it will be great, and on the other side of the coin, if the critic likes the movie, it is guaranteed to be a big steaming pile of "My Dinner with Andre" bull feces. Thanks for all that you do. Keep it up!

Sincerely,

xxxxxx

A loyal reader

I thought this one might be fake since it was signed "A loyal reader," so I responded, but the reply I got was also as biting. I reread my review to see what bad things I said about the military or the USA, but couldn't really find anything. Sigh.

This one is a definite tongue in cheek Believer e-mail...

From: xxxxxx*xxxxxx.nl
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2003 4:40 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Cyberheaps

Dear Sir,

Thank you for drawing attention to the growing problem of digital waste. Early solutions to this problem were based around the Unix /dev/null device. This was essentially an incinerator; it destroyed waste bits without pollution. It was a known fact that destroying a bit of information produces a small amount of heat but this was not a problem in the early days when computer users disposed of small amounts of waste. It would be a significant contribution to global warming today, however.

Then came the Windows Recycle Bin. This was perfect in theory - every user's waste would become another's raw material. If you didn't like the poem that you just wrote, somebody else could finish it. When you finished installing that piece of software, somebody else could use the installer. Unfortunately, it failed in practice. The overhead of keeping waste producers in touch with waste consumers outweighed the benefits, hence the overflowing cyberheaps.

The best solution is, as always, personal responsibility. Every time a user creates a document, he should be responsible for its disposal. I propose a tax on every bit of information destroyed. This should be easy to implement considering the overwhelming popularity of the Windows operating system and Microsoft's technological ability to spy on its users.

I further propose an extension to the TCP protocol allowing used and unwanted bits to be pushed back to their producer. Thus a software manufacturer need only produce a few copies of an installer program; when a user has installed the software, he is responsible for the installed copy and pushes the installer back to the manufacturer, to be downloaded by another user.

This solves another global political problem: Deleted spam emails would get pushed back to their producers. As most spams originate in the US and increasingly in China, just as greenhouse warming gasses, an international agreement linking carbon tax with bit disposal tax would solve global warming as fast as Moores Law.

John O'Leary

Please send this letter to your representative in Congress. We must address this growing problem today.

Now some stories on BBspot you shouldn't believe, but the Geek Horoscopes, oh my friend, do not believe at your own risk....

From: Bill
Sent: Saturday, July 19, 2003 12:47 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Geek Horoscopes

I used to think your Geek Horoscopes were just a bunch of comical hooey intended to amuse those of us with somewhat of a techie bent. Your horoscope of July 18th, however, hit eerily close to home. Our file server shut down all of a sudden that morning, causing several workstations to crash. Thank goodness for backups because a key database was corrupted beyond repair since several of us had the file open at the time.

When I investigated the problem, I found the batteries were dead in the UPS. A thunderstorm last week had knocked out the power and the server ran on the five-year-old batteries for about a half hour. When I disconnected everything to pull the batteries, guess what I found plugged into the UPS along with the file server? To make things even spookier, my partner, who had recently installed this new laser printer, is an Aries.

Right after rebooting the server, I logged on to BBspot and checked the horoscope.

From now on I don't intend to leave the house without first checking my Geek Horoscope.

A New True Believer

p.s. This really is a true story.

This is not the first reported case either <cue Twilight Zone theme>.

Not Babylon 5

Oh boy, a bit of Mailbag on Mailbag bashing going on here about the Babylon 5 fans upset with Peter Jackson story...

From: xxxxxx@hotmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2003 1:34 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: I'm not happy with your poster

I am responding to that worthless idiot Ruth that sent you an e-mail saying that Babylon 5 fans are mistaken and that some worthless crap like Battlefield Earth is even remotely close to being called anything more than shit.What were you thinking?

Us Babylon 5 fans have to suffer enough crap from Star war's and trek fans. I mean honestly, we're the most realistic of all the Sci-Fi worlds,
and we had the best storylines until that dark chapter after Crusader that I won't even mention its short lived name.

Also, everyone pays attention to the Enterprise versus a Star Destroyer, only because they know neither of them even stand a remote chance against a Membari Cruiser. I mean, nothing can stop that fusion beam, nothing, not even any panzy shields. And then they have that whole squadron of Membari fighters that could swarm the Enterprise and take care of any pesky Tie Fighters for the Star Destroyer.

Well anyway, sorry to get all mad at you, but the next time some creepy BattleField Earth fans tries to even pass of that crap as something legit just tell them to shove it up their @$$.
Sorry again.
Sinclair-Beta-1

And I thought everyone love Battlefield Earth...

From: Josh
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 11:37 AM
To: 'Nolan Curtis'
Subject: RE: Right on!

Hey, Battlefield earth wasn't a perfect movie, but it did point out a looming crisis facing all of us today. Namely, the imminent invasion of white rastas with questionable hygiene. Keep your kids away from the musical stylings of Everlast and Snow or we're all doooooooooomed (echo echo).

Of course Ruth had to respond to my retort that no one saw Battlefield Earth...

From: Ruth
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 1:54 AM
To: Brian Briggs
Subject: Re: Who did Peter Jackson rip off?

Plenty of people have seen Battlefield Earth! I even know one person who made her boyfriend watch it before she would have sex with him. Maybe she just gets turned on by John Travolta's ultra-queenie voice.

Riiiiight.

Enterprise Vs. Death Star

Why do I feel a "Which OS is the Matrix" coming?

From: Mark Kotsamanes [mailto:mechzilla@msn.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2003 9:50 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Star Trek vs. Star Wars


Clearly the joke email was from Randall about star wars beating the deathstar. It isn’t possible a short list of reasons is below

1) The enterprise lasted more then 10 years being before biting it (and even then most of the crew survived), in that time it destroyed all foes up against it. The deathstar wasn’t able to last 2 hours and was taken down by a single ship no bigger then a shuttle craft.

2) Any sub-warp matter based projectiles would be deflected harmlessly by the deflector dish (that’s what it’s there for) rendering 50% of the deathstar's weapons useless

3) Although star wars has shields they are for the most part vulnerable to attack, as per all the movies and games

4) Lasers are predecessors of Phasers (as per star trek) as a result what stops Phasers will stop lasers but not vise versa

5) Photon torpedoes don’t use mass but rather speed to inflict damage (and by pass deflector dishes) this technology is far beyond proton torpedoes which use protons of combustible material to moderately scorch hull plating (if deflector dish is deactivated). Furthermore the new thing in the Star Trek universe is to equip quantum (think space time distortion related mater disruption) torpedo’s which are as far beyond photo torpedoes as they are beyond proton

6) The targeting system in Star Trek alone would be able to take out the deathstar, why fly a gauntlet when you can program 12 (or unlimited amounts if you use photonic torpedoes) torpedoes to do it for you.

7) Vader wouldn’t sway the score, hell put 10 of him and still no chance. Three words “photonic command proto-call”

That is why that was the joke email, There is no one stupid enough to actually believe any star wars technology would survive an encounter from the enterprise

A die hard fan,

Mark

PS you really should do an article about Matrix: Revolutions being a rip off of Reloaded

You didn't think there would be just one did you?

From: Greg
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 12:47 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: beating a dead horse...

In response to the e-mail from Randall about Enterprise Vs. Death Star (July 16 mailbag), I have to totally agree that there is almost nothing weaker than the Enterprise. One inaccuracy however: Randall and his brother settled on 4 TIE Fighters would be a good fight for the Enterprise, but it seems that even as few as 2 TIE Fighters can defeat the Enterprise.


Enterprise vs. Death Star - no contest:

Enterprise vs. Star Destroyer - Star Destroyer easily conquers

Enterprise vs. 4 TIE Fighters - TIE Fighters win

Enterprise vs. 3 TIE Fighters - still no joy for Enterprise

Enterprise vs. 2 TIE Fighters - even two TIE Fighters kick the Enterprise's butt

Enterprise vs. TIE Fighter (just one) - finally, Enterprise wins against a single TIE Fighter

Of course, the story was about the "Enterprise E," and that could change things a bit.

Of course the Star Wars side has to chime in...

From: Marshall
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 3:20 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Star Trek vs. Star Wars

I think I started a riot at work, with the Death Star versus the Enterprise (Picard Sytle). Well a couple of us put our money on the Death Star, a few NON believers thought in there minds that the Enterprise would stand a chance, Bah!! Then our UNIX admin put it to end with this

"The techology employed by the generations in the StarWars world is many many times more advanced than that of the startrek world.

While the star trekkers struggle to go warp 13 {13x the speed of light} the star wars ships travel something like 25000x the speed of light.

The weaponry used by the star trekkers typically has something like 10^20 joules/blast where the weapons used in the star wars worlds have something like 10^200/blast. So thats not 10x as much but more like billions of billions of billions of billions of billions of billions of billions..... times as much energy.

The star wars people would eat the star trek people for breakfast."

With quoted info above provided by links here to back it up: http://www.stardestroyer.net/Empire/index.html

Here you can see that the Enterprise is a mere gnat,hahahaha fools!!!

Btw share this with the readers to school some of those trekky noobs!!,

Truly, a debate for the ages.

That's all for this week!

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