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Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without
the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing
because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of
the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just
simply amazing.
Believers
Once in a while you get an e-mail that defies belief. If it starts
out with "Dear Matrix Hater..." I know it's going to
be a good one. No surprise, it's from an AOL user. I posted it
with the original formatting (italics theirs) for added stupidity...
From: xxxxxx@aol.com
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2003 5:09 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: the Matrix Reloaded
Dear
Matrix Hater
First of all, The Matrix Reloaded is a second addition
to a trilogy, can you say that with me T-R-I-L-O-G-Y. That mean three movies
in a row that connect the whole story line (with the same actors might I add).
Last I checked people like it when you actually had the same actor as in the
first movie like Neo being "The One". As well as Trinity and Morpheus being Neos'
Guides throughout the whole three movies. And of course theres gonna be
the same guns and black clothes, that is the whole catch to the movies. And
the effects to the movies; what did you think they were gonna do, make Neo older
and slower so that he can't do what he was supposed to do as being "The One".
Well i hope you found what i had to say very insightfull.
I'm really tempted to rewrite this story and say that Revolutions
is a Reloaded rip off.
This one isn't really a believer, but definitely from someone
who takes BBspot a bit too seriously...
From: xxxxxx@xxxxxx.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2003 3:12 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Review of Tears
of The Sun Trailer
I can sum up your point of vie on the trailer for this movie
and your ignorant comments about it in one word: "IDIOT".
It is obvious you are one of those effete, liberal elitist
morons, with zero military background and a visceral hatred
for your own country. Get a life loser. On the other hand,
I must say I greatly appreciate your efforts, because I have
come to find that if a critic dislikes a movie, its a sure
bet that it will be great, and on the other side of the coin,
if the critic likes the movie, it is guaranteed to be a big
steaming pile of "My Dinner with Andre" bull feces.
Thanks for all that you do. Keep it up!
Sincerely,
xxxxxx
A loyal reader
I thought this one might be fake since it was signed "A
loyal reader," so I responded, but the reply I got was
also as biting. I reread my review to see what bad things I
said about the military or the USA, but couldn't really find
anything. Sigh.
This one is a definite tongue in cheek Believer e-mail...
From: xxxxxx*xxxxxx.nl
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2003 4:40 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Cyberheaps
Dear Sir,
Thank you for drawing attention to the growing problem of
digital waste. Early solutions to this problem were based around
the Unix /dev/null device. This was essentially an incinerator;
it destroyed waste bits without pollution. It was a known fact
that destroying a bit of information produces a small amount
of heat but this was not a problem in the early days when computer
users disposed of small amounts of waste. It would be a significant
contribution to global warming today, however.
Then came the Windows Recycle Bin. This was perfect in theory
- every user's waste would become another's raw material. If
you didn't like the poem that you just wrote, somebody else
could finish it. When you finished installing that piece of
software, somebody else could use the installer. Unfortunately,
it failed in practice. The overhead of keeping waste producers
in touch with waste consumers outweighed the benefits, hence
the overflowing cyberheaps.
The best solution is, as always, personal responsibility.
Every time a user creates a document, he should be responsible
for its disposal. I propose a tax on every bit of information
destroyed. This should be easy to implement considering the
overwhelming popularity of the Windows operating system and
Microsoft's technological ability to spy on its users.
I further propose an extension to the TCP protocol allowing
used and unwanted bits to be pushed back to their producer.
Thus a software manufacturer need only produce a few copies
of an installer program; when a user has installed the software,
he is responsible for the installed copy and pushes the installer
back to the manufacturer, to be downloaded by another user.
This solves another global political problem: Deleted spam
emails would get pushed back to their producers. As most spams
originate in the US and increasingly in China, just as greenhouse
warming gasses, an international agreement linking carbon tax
with bit disposal tax would solve global warming as fast as
Moores Law.
John O'Leary
Please send this letter to your representative in Congress.
We must address this growing problem today.
Now some stories on BBspot you shouldn't believe, but the Geek
Horoscopes, oh my friend, do not believe at your own risk....
From: Bill
Sent: Saturday, July 19, 2003 12:47 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Geek Horoscopes
I used to think your Geek Horoscopes were just a bunch of
comical hooey intended to amuse those of us with somewhat of
a techie bent. Your horoscope of July 18th, however, hit eerily
close to home. Our file server shut down all of a sudden that
morning, causing several workstations to crash. Thank goodness
for backups because a key database was corrupted beyond repair
since several of us had the file open at the time.
When I investigated the problem, I found the batteries were
dead in the UPS. A thunderstorm last week had knocked out the
power and the server ran on the five-year-old batteries for
about a half hour. When I disconnected everything to pull the
batteries, guess what I found plugged into the UPS along with
the file server? To make things even spookier, my partner,
who had recently installed this new laser printer, is an Aries.
Right after rebooting the server, I logged on to BBspot and
checked the horoscope.
From now on I don't intend to leave the house without first
checking my Geek Horoscope.
A New True Believer
p.s. This really is a true story.
This is not the first reported case either <cue Twilight
Zone theme>.
Not
Babylon 5
Oh boy, a bit of Mailbag on
Mailbag bashing going on here about the Babylon
5 fans upset with Peter Jackson story...
From: xxxxxx@hotmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2003 1:34 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: I'm not happy with your poster
I am responding to that worthless idiot Ruth that sent you
an e-mail saying that Babylon 5 fans are mistaken and that
some worthless crap like Battlefield Earth is even remotely
close to being called anything more than shit.What were you
thinking?
Us Babylon 5 fans have to suffer enough crap from Star war's
and trek fans. I mean honestly, we're the most realistic of
all the Sci-Fi worlds,
and we had the best storylines until that dark chapter after Crusader that
I won't even mention its short lived name.
Also, everyone pays attention to the Enterprise versus a
Star Destroyer, only because they know neither of them even
stand a remote chance against a Membari Cruiser. I mean, nothing
can stop that fusion beam, nothing, not even any panzy shields.
And then they have that whole squadron of Membari fighters
that could swarm the Enterprise and take care of any pesky
Tie Fighters for the Star Destroyer.
Well anyway, sorry to get all mad at you, but the next time
some creepy BattleField Earth fans tries to even pass of that
crap as something legit just tell them to shove it up their
@$$.
Sorry again.
Sinclair-Beta-1
And I thought everyone love Battlefield Earth...
From: Josh
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 11:37 AM
To: 'Nolan Curtis'
Subject: RE: Right on!
Hey, Battlefield earth wasn't a perfect movie, but it did
point out a looming crisis facing all of us today. Namely,
the imminent invasion of white rastas with questionable hygiene.
Keep your kids away from the musical stylings of Everlast and
Snow or we're all doooooooooomed (echo echo).
Of course Ruth had to respond to my retort that no one saw Battlefield
Earth...
From: Ruth
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 1:54 AM
To: Brian Briggs
Subject: Re: Who did Peter Jackson rip off?
Plenty of people have seen Battlefield Earth! I even know
one person who made her boyfriend watch it before she would
have sex with him. Maybe she just gets turned on by John Travolta's
ultra-queenie voice.
Riiiiight.
Enterprise
Vs. Death Star
Why do I feel a "Which OS is the Matrix" coming?
From: Mark Kotsamanes [mailto:mechzilla@msn.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2003 9:50 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Star Trek vs. Star Wars
Clearly the joke email was from Randall about
star wars beating the deathstar. It isn’t possible a short list of reasons
is below
1) The enterprise lasted more then 10 years being before
biting it (and even then most of the crew survived), in that
time it destroyed all foes up against it. The deathstar wasn’t
able to last 2 hours and was taken down by a single ship no
bigger then a shuttle craft.
2) Any sub-warp matter based projectiles would be deflected
harmlessly by the deflector dish (that’s what it’s
there for) rendering 50% of the deathstar's weapons useless
3) Although star wars has shields they are for the most part
vulnerable to attack, as per all the movies and games
4) Lasers are predecessors of Phasers (as per star trek)
as a result what stops Phasers will stop lasers but not vise
versa
5) Photon torpedoes don’t use mass but rather speed
to inflict damage (and by pass deflector dishes) this technology
is far beyond proton torpedoes which use protons of combustible
material to moderately scorch hull plating (if deflector dish
is deactivated). Furthermore the new thing in the Star Trek
universe is to equip quantum (think space time distortion related
mater disruption) torpedo’s which are as far beyond photo
torpedoes as they are beyond proton
6) The targeting system in Star Trek alone would be able
to take out the deathstar, why fly a gauntlet when you can
program 12 (or unlimited amounts if you use photonic torpedoes)
torpedoes to do it for you.
7) Vader wouldn’t sway the score, hell put 10 of him
and still no chance. Three words “photonic command proto-call”
That is why that was the joke email, There is no one stupid
enough to actually believe any star wars technology would survive
an encounter from the enterprise
A die hard fan,
Mark
PS you really should do an article about Matrix: Revolutions
being a rip off of Reloaded
You didn't think there would be just one did you?
From: Greg
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 12:47 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: beating a dead horse...
In response to the e-mail from Randall about
Enterprise Vs. Death Star (July 16 mailbag), I have to totally
agree that there is almost nothing weaker than the Enterprise.
One inaccuracy however: Randall and his brother settled on
4 TIE Fighters would be a good fight for the Enterprise, but
it seems that even as few as 2 TIE Fighters can defeat the
Enterprise.
Enterprise
vs. Death Star - no contest:
Enterprise
vs. Star Destroyer - Star Destroyer easily conquers
Enterprise
vs. 4 TIE Fighters - TIE Fighters win
Enterprise
vs. 3 TIE Fighters - still no joy for Enterprise
Enterprise
vs. 2 TIE Fighters - even two TIE Fighters kick the Enterprise's
butt
Enterprise
vs. TIE Fighter (just one) - finally, Enterprise wins
against a single TIE Fighter
Of course, the story was about the "Enterprise E," and
that could change
things a bit.
Of course the Star Wars side has to chime in...
From: Marshall
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 3:20 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Star Trek vs. Star Wars
I think I started a riot at work, with the Death Star versus
the Enterprise (Picard Sytle). Well a couple of us put our
money on the Death Star, a few NON believers thought in there
minds that the Enterprise would stand a chance, Bah!! Then
our UNIX admin put it to end with this
"The techology employed by the generations in the StarWars
world is many many times more advanced than that of the startrek
world.
While the star trekkers struggle to go warp 13 {13x the speed
of light} the star wars ships travel something like 25000x
the speed of light.
The weaponry used by the star trekkers typically has something
like 10^20 joules/blast where the weapons used in the star
wars worlds have something like 10^200/blast. So thats not
10x as much but more like billions of billions of billions
of billions of billions of billions of billions..... times
as much energy.
The star wars people would eat the star trek people for breakfast."
With quoted info above provided by links here to back it
up: http://www.stardestroyer.net/Empire/index.html
Here you can see that the Enterprise is a mere gnat,hahahaha
fools!!!
Btw share this with the readers to school some of those trekky
noobs!!,
Truly, a debate for the ages.
That's all for this week!
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