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Tuesday,  July 15 12:01 AM EDT

Star Trek Pundit Blasted at Convention
For Controversial Theory

By Chris Druckenmiller

Bloomington, MN - Sci-fi pundit Marc Eisenburg, 38 of Apple Valley, Minnesota, was dealt harsh criticism by members of the Star Trek fan community yesterday when he presented his controversial paper A Star Destroyer Could Beat the Enterprise E to a packed crowd in convention room 102 at the Bloomington Radisson during the annual Star Trek convention.

"Especially if they had Darth Vader on board, cause he could use his death grip on Picard and the Enterprise crew wouldn't know what to do!" said Eisenburg.

Eisenburg's theory, which he says is based mostly on intuitive speculation and a few computer simulations of battles between similar ships, was immediately denounced as "stupid and gay" by many in the audience.

"It's totally stupid and gay!" said John Laskowitz, 16 of Eau Claire, Wisconsin. "I mean, hasn't this idiot ever heard of fuckin' transporters? All it would take is for the Enterprise to transport some photon torpedoes and shit over to the main bridge of the star destroyer and it's bye-bye Darth!"

Eisenburg, however, feels this argument has its own flaws.

"I've heard people use the transporter argument before," said Eisenburg. "And I just have one thing to say to them: use the force, dude! Vader could use a Jedi mind trick on the transporter chief and make him transport those torpedoes right back onto the Enterprise!"

Still, many continued to feel there were serious questions Eisenburg hadn't addressed.

"I asked him about the whole warp drive vs. hyperdrive thing," said Jason Schmidt, 45 of Maplewood, Minn. "And he ignored it, saying he was here to talk about battles, not space

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drives. And I'm all, 'Oh, whatever!' and he's all 'You've been brainwashed, you scruffy-lookin' nerf herder!' and I'm all laughin' 'cause he's quoting Star Wars to make fun of me. What a loser!"

Some attendees had other unique points-of-view.

"Both those ships would be praying for mercy if Xena were thrown into the battle!" said Edith Martin, 28 of St. Paul, Minnesota.

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