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Bloomington, MN - Sci-fi pundit Marc Eisenburg, 38 of Apple Valley,
Minnesota, was dealt harsh criticism by members of the Star Trek
fan community yesterday when he presented his controversial paper A
Star Destroyer Could Beat the Enterprise E to a packed crowd
in convention room 102 at the Bloomington Radisson during the annual
Star Trek convention.
 "Especially
if they had Darth Vader on board, cause he could use his death grip
on Picard and the Enterprise crew wouldn't know what to do!" said
Eisenburg.
Eisenburg's theory, which he says is based mostly on intuitive speculation
and a few computer simulations of battles between similar ships,
was immediately denounced as "stupid and gay" by many in
the audience.
"It's totally stupid and gay!" said John Laskowitz, 16
of Eau Claire, Wisconsin. "I mean, hasn't this idiot ever heard
of fuckin' transporters? All it would take is for the Enterprise
to transport some photon torpedoes and shit over to the main bridge
of the star destroyer and it's bye-bye Darth!"
Eisenburg, however, feels this argument has its own flaws.
"I've heard people use the transporter argument before," said
Eisenburg. "And I just have one thing to say to them: use the
force, dude! Vader could use a Jedi mind trick on the transporter
chief and make him transport those torpedoes right back onto the
Enterprise!"
Still, many continued to feel there were serious questions Eisenburg
hadn't addressed.
"I asked him about the whole warp drive vs. hyperdrive thing," said
Jason Schmidt, 45 of Maplewood, Minn. "And he ignored it, saying
he was here to talk about battles, not space
drives. And I'm all, 'Oh, whatever!' and he's all 'You've been brainwashed,
you scruffy-lookin' nerf herder!' and I'm all laughin' 'cause he's
quoting Star Wars to make fun of me. What a loser!"
Some attendees had other unique points-of-view.
"Both those ships would be praying for mercy if Xena were thrown
into the battle!" said Edith Martin, 28 of St. Paul, Minnesota.
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