July 23 - Aug 22
Your horoscope looks pretty good today. Seriously, tell Molly Simms we said "Hi."
Aug 23 - Sep 22
If you try really hard you might be able to convince your mom that the increase
in e-mail you've received this week means you're popular. Everyone else knows
it's just another Outlook virus.
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Now that summer is in full swing, it's time to lather up in suntan lotion and
crack the basement window a smidgen.
Oct 24 - Nov 21
This Wednesday an exotic stranger will sell you take-away meals you can't pronounce
and shortchange you by $10. This Thursday sees much upheaval.
Nov 22 - Dec 21
This week's alignment of Mars and Uranus means you will not get good parking.
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Last week's horoscopes for Taurus and Scorpio were swapped by mistake. The
stars apologize for the inconvenience.
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Turning your underwear inside-out so that you can wear them again only works
once between washes, you filthy swine.
Feb 19 - Mar 20
You realize this week after installing Linux that it doesn't actually solve
all your problems, it just makes you read 20,000 man pages before you can even
discover where they are.
Mar 21 - Apr 19
No, a new Radeon card will not improve your "Microsoft Office experience",
but you might be able to convince your boss to upgrade you anyway.
Apr 20 - May 20
You've finally gotten GAIM to work through the office firewall, now it's time
to start working on some friends to add.
May 21 - June 21
The race may not always go to the swiftest, the battle may not always go to
the strongest, but according to the stars you might want to get used to that
June 22 - July 22
You'll stop hating your job this week. Unfortunately, you'll also stop breathing
at the exact same moment.