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Oak Brook, IL - Shares of McDonald's Corporation soared today when
new Chairman Wayne Havers revealed himself to be an alien from a
nearby galaxy sent to cultivate "human stock."
"Our business plan has been simple," Havers announced
to the 15-member board and assembled members of the press at its
quarterly meeting in Oak Brook. "Develop a means of rapidly
fattening a portion of the human population for a continued multi-generational
harvest for overlords on their way to rule your miserable planet."
"We felt that the current appeal of corporate honesty and the
continued infatuation with the stock market made this the prime time
for being open with our stockholders and customers."
Wall Street Journal analyst Richard Nelson commented, "The
media are looking harder than ever for corporate dishonesty - seeking
to break the next Enron scandal. McDonald's saved face today by revealing
itself rather than letting their secrets be uncovered. At the same
time, their brilliant strategy makes them a even stronger player."
Trading firm Myers-Ackley-Jones changed McDonald's recommendation
from "Hold" to "Strong Buy" on the news - a move
that was followed by several other firms. This turn-about came after
several weeks of falling prices due to consumer lawsuits against
fast food chains.
McDonald's stockholders approved of the announcement of the company's
imminent dominion over humankind. Nicholas Guarini held no doubts. "I
mean, sure, it was a shock. But I think my shares are just going
to keep going up. Especially when those overlords arrive to take
over."
AP reporter Janis Friedman asked Havers, "What makes you think
this revelation won't result in lower sales?" Havers responded, "Our
strategy combines the use of addictive additives and compulsive advertising.
Your puny human brains cannot resist."
Havers proceeded to remove Friedman's head with giant horizontal
mandibles, much like an insect's, and devoured her on the spot.
McDonald's customers seemed unfazed by the news. At a Los Angeles McDonald's,
businesswoman Gayle Ming ate her morning McGriddle sandwich, which she says
is her near-daily routine. "It's not like we don't know it's not healthy
for us," said Ming. "Besides, they have every right to pursue their
own success. This is America, you know."
Shares of key competitor, Yum! Brands, Inc. (owners of KFC, Taco
Bell, and others), also rose on hints of similar forthcoming announcements.
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