October 17, 2003
||Quick-cut title splash, "From
||Chainsaw, cleaver, meat hook.
|"In a world where..."
"Inspired by a true story."
||5% (Classic horror remake)
Often trailers present the talent in front of and behind the camera
with phrases like "From the producers of Saving Private Ryan" or "Academy
Award Winner Jack Nicholson." Inspiring phrases that let the
potential moviegoer know they will see a quality film. The only phrase
this trailer can generate is: "From Producer Michael Bay." Truthfully,
it should say "From the loudest producer in Hollywood, Michael
Bay." I'm surprised it didn't mention: "From the director
who brought you a Faith No More video, Marcus Nispel!"
The creators of the trailer were required by law to mention Michael
Bay's involvement. Bay combined with the word "chainsaw" invokes
the OSHA clause requiring moviegoers to bring earplugs.
With that introduction, you'd expect a dreadful trailer, but it's
surprisingly good. The trailer builds suspense nicely and has many
scares. The music adds to the tension, and the creepy actors are,
The trailer opens with a group of horny teenagers driving down a
dusty Texas back road. A distressed woman on the side of the road
gets their attention. She tells the horn-dogs that everyone in her
group is dead, except her of course. This should be the signal to
get the hell out of there, but The Texas Dirt Road Drive Away doesn't
have the same ring, does it?
star of the show
The rest of the trailer is predictable but well done. Our moronic
teens investigate the seemingly abandoned house only to find a bunch
of creepy rednecks and a chainsaw wielding killer. At one point there
are seven seconds of black screen then CHAINSAW! That should be good
for a few squeals.
I must point out the performance by Jessica Biel's butt. It's featured
in eight shots of the trailer. Most of the time it's running away
from the chainsaw- (and camera-) wielding madman. Such a prominent
role by an ass can only be the sign of a good movie, right? I mean The
Core 2: The Day Shakira's Ass Stood Still was good wasn't
these people looking at the same thing?
Conclusion on Trailer: The trailer is well done and worth
the download, even if it didn't feature Jessica Biel's behind.
Conclusion on Movie: If you're going to remake a classic,
at least get somebody good to do it. I'd suggest going to see the
re-release of Alien this Halloween instead.
Story to a Friend