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Washington DC - North Korea announced that it has harnessed the
technology of spam. The claim has not been verified but if true,
could fundamentally offset the fragile Asian power balance.
Ted Abacha from the International Spam Anti-Proliferation Agency
explained that the community has feared this development for some
time. “In the wrong hands, Unsolicited Bulk E-mail (UBE) could
be transformed from a powerful tool into a devastating weapon.. And
I can’t think of wronger hands
than those of Kim Jong-Il.”
 There’s one thing that baffles us, though,” he continued. “The
technology of spam is way too advanced for the North Koreans, so
we suspect help from the outside.” Should someone have helped
the Koreans, it would be a clear violation of the nonproliferation
agreement of 1998, a crime punishable by permanent Internet ban.
The suspects are many however. As Ted Abacha put it, “These
are not the world’s nicest people; they'll add their grandmothers
to their mailing lists.”
The North Koreans cannot match the Americans or the major Asian
players in quality or quantity, however. With only a handful of computers
and a single dial-up connection to an African ISP, they lack the
vehicle for true mass distribution. Still, their complete lack of
morals and trademark ability to get far with what they have means
that their threats should be taken seriously.
Faced with the threat of UBE like “Dubya, joine werkers paredise
ekjse3i” and even more Korean gibberish in the mailbox, the
US administration saw no other choice than to send two aircraft
carriers to the area. The chances of a full-scale war in the area
are minimal,
though.
“I see two likely scenarios here,” Abacha explained. “The
first is that the US cripples the North Korean research center in
a preemptive tactical strike. The other outcome is that Jong-Il uses
the technology as leverage to get his hands on a replacement ISA
graphics card and a couple of used X-Boxes for their space program.”
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