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Wednesday, February 4 12:00 AM EST

FCC Vows "Rigorous Examination" of Janet Jackson's Breast

By Joshua Nite

Washington D.C. - The FCC announced today that it would go to whatever measures necessary to accurately assess the indecency reached by the exposure of singer Janet Jackson's right breast during the Super Bowl Halftime Show last Sunday.

Bob Johnson, spokesperson for the FCC, said he wished to assure the American viewing public that the FCC was going to investigate thoroughly. "We are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure we assess fines that are stern but fair," he said.

"We currently have our entire office reviewing the tape and we will review it as many times as is necessary. We are also using the latest in digital technology to rewind, slow down, and zoom in on the offending moment. We don't care if it takes weeks, we will keep viewing the tape until we get some answers."

Johnson added that he is not certain Jackson's right breast alone can provide all the answers. "What we need is some context to understand how much of Jackson's body was exposed. It is our sincere hope that Ms. Jackson will aid us in our investigation by providing photographs of her entire body, preferably in various poses. And high heels. Definitely high heels."

Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson shocked the viewing public when Timberlake pulled aside part of Jackson's outfit during a steamy duet, revealing Jackson's right breast. Jackson's nipple was not visible, obscured by a cyborg implant from Starbucks, which allows Jackson to store and serve cafe au lait from her enhanced bustline.

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In related news, hyperapologetic Justin Timberlake addressed Janet Jackson's mother in a heartfelt mea culpa this afternoon. The announcement came following reports that Jackson burst into tears after the fateful reveal. Bravely sniffling back tears, Timberlake asserted that "he was for real" and that he never meant to make Mrs. Jackson's daughter cry. "I apologize a trillion times," said Timberlake, before openly sobbing like the little girl he is.

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