Feb 19 - Mar 20
If looks could kill, you'd still be harmless.
Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars want you to know that your horoscope bill is due.
Apr 20 - May 20
The stars foresee a future that is filled with love, adventure,
travel, and giant moth-women from outer space.
May 21 - June 21
You'll be disappointed to find out there will be no Lord of the Rings movie
worst part is you already bought the tickets.
June 22 - July 22
You'll realize that you can't reboot your girlfriend to make her forget what
you said about her weight. CTRL-Z won't work, either.
July 23 - Aug 22
Your home network is on the fritz. Perhaps you should check
the router. It's the one that's smoking.
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll discover that the locals don't quite celebrate St. Patrick's Day the
same way as they do in America, especially the Shiite clerics.
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Be ready for a water voyage. Who would have thought that leaky faucet would
flood your office?
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Live each day as if it were your last. Um... especially next
Nov 22 - Dec 21
This horoscope has been banned by your workplace filtering software
for racy content.
Dec 22 - Jan 19
After gaining twelve pounds you realize that the Fatkins Diet
might be a cheap
Korean knock off and not the real thing.
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll discover that writing 48 horoscopes in a 2 day period will
leave you creatively drained when coming to the last one.