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Wednesday, April 7 12:00 AM EST

BBspot Mailbag

Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.

Believers

First Believer for the article on the new interstate driving simulator for the Xbox...

From: xxxxxx@aol.com
Sent: Friday, April 02, 2004 7:59 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Interstate driver

Sorry if I am asking the wrong person here, but I would like to know if you know where or how I could get more information on Interstate Driver. It sounds like a really cool virtual reality-game but I would like to learn more. This is the only place that I know that has this information on this game. I never knew this existed until I saw it when I searched up Trucking simulators.

Thank you for your time!

What would we do without AOLers?

April Fools

At BBspot it is April Fools every day, so it is difficult to create something that fools the faithful readers. The past couple years I have been successful, but everyone was much more prepared this year, so I knew I had to be even more subtle. I concocted the story about wanting to write the Great American Novel by starting with some really bad Lord of the Rings fan fiction. The problem seemed to be that I was either not bad enough or not good enough, because I was deluged with mail from readers who want me to continue with the "novel." At first I had the feedback e-mail pop-up with April Fools as the subject line, but changed it to try to snag more Believers. Here are some of the responses I received....

From: Louis
Sent: Thursday, April 01, 2004 1:52 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: April Fools....you bastard! ^.~

Here I was...note the term was, going to compliment the concept of the Elvish War in your LotR fanfic, until -just now- when up popped my new-message window, and I saw that accursed line in the subject field. Damn you sir, you got me, and got me good.

(Funnier thing is that about ten minutes ago, I was posting on another of my favorite sites (www.nuklearpower.com) commenting on the lack of the webmaster's traditional prank installment of his web-comic. Go figure, eh?)

From: Michael
Sent: Thursday, April 01, 2004 4:09 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Novel Feedback

"We have tried many great Elvish medicine to cure his 'problem'"

LMFAO. I know I wasn't the only one who thought it...

More! More! More!

From: Josh
Sent: Thursday, April 01, 2004 10:16 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Novel Feedback

(Long time reader).

Your 'novel' is FANTASTIC. I absolutely love it. If you self-publish this into a book, I'll buy a copy.

From: Mark
Sent: Thursday, April 01, 2004 9:21 AM
To: submissions@bbspot.com
Subject: April Fools

You know, if it turns out your LOTR: Dark Shadow thingy is an April Fool's prank, I'll be very upset... I thought it showed an incredible depth in political powerplay, and, of course, it hinted at graphic gay dwarf sex scenes, which is rarely a bad thing...

From: Richard
Sent: Saturday, April 03, 2004 5:40 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Novel Feedback

I really enjoyed "Darkness in a New Era" and am looking forward to next week's installment. Perhaps you could make it a daily entry like The SpotCam?

A couple readers were worried about my safety for publishing such blasphemy...

From: III
Sent: Friday, April 02, 2004 4:25 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Novel Feedback: Too funny

Ok, I don't care if it is just an April Fools Joke or not, I'm really glad I don't live near you, lest the LotR purity freaks firebomb your house (not just your email account) for blasphemy. Speaking of, is your will in order? I bet it is going to be fun to read the mailbag this week.

I needed a good laugh, thanks!

I think this is the guy he was talking about...

From: Brad
Sent: Thursday, April 01, 2004 11:47 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Darkness in a New Era

Sorry, but thats just about the rudest affront to the LOR trilogy that ive ever seen. I would suggest that if you're going to try writing some sloppy crap like that, the least you could do is use your own characters, and not insult Tolkien's work.

And of course there's Jackrabbit, who I get every year...

Brian: Going through my e-mail from all the people wanting me to continue my april fools joke.
Jackrabbit: oh thank God. I didn't want to say anything. You got me. You got me good.
Brian: Awesome.
Jackrabbit: I thought "Oh great. Brian's gone fanboy on me. How do I tell him discreetly that this is a bad idea?" So instead I just avoided you.
Brian: What is that three years in a row now?
Jackrabbit: probably.
Jackrabbit: I am very VERY relieved to have been had. I saw it and thought "Oh fuck."
Jackrabbit: damn.
Jackrabbit: damn you, man.
Jackrabbit: I'll give you this, you're good. or I'm bad or a combination. Every other site I went to I expected it. I should know better by now.
Brian: This pleases me.
Jackrabbit: it also pleases me. You see, I look at fan fiction as the lowest form of masturbatory material of all time. So I'm glad I didn't have to water that down in the friendly "Jesus, your story is a bad idea" way.
Jackrabbit: what scares me is that some people want you to carry on.
Jackrabbit: you rock in a very sick way.
Brian: Thanks.

Nigerian Millionaires

Everybody knows how much I love Nigerian scammers. Here's a reader who had some fun with one...

From: xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx.net
Sent: Wednesday, March 31, 2004 7:16 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: ASSISTANCE IN INVESTMENTS (fwd)

Since everyone's got Nigerian millionaires on the brain still, after reading your mailbag I figured I'd share.

I received the attached message from good old Zosimo who fled Zimbabwe and wants me to give him my bank account number under the pretense that I will help him launder 12 million dollars out of the Netherlands. (Or so I gather from his broken English)

Anyway I first replied in my own broken english:

> I am extremely interest your business proposal and will give you my
> bank account information. Please to be contacting me at:
>
> 1 (415) 553-7400
> 450 Golden Gate Avenue, 13th. Floor
> San Francisco, California 94102-9523

This is of course the phone number and address of the FBI field office in San Francisco.

He replied with another long winded and poorly written email, indicating to me he had probably not tried to contact me at the number I provided and wanted me to call him. The nerve.

So I replied back, again in broken English, stating that due to phone service problems I was unable to call him.

> I am unable to making calls due to problem telephone service I have.
> But however, I can receive calls and mail so please contact:
>
> 1 (415) 553-7400
>
> 450 Golden Gate Avenue, 13th. Floor
> San Francisco, California 94102-9523
>
> This will be able to assist you.
>

Roughly a day or so after that I received an email from Zosimo stating
simply:

> FORK U

I believe I had finally acheived the desired effect. But the fact that he said "fork" wouldn't leave my mind. He is obviously attempting some pretty serious crime here. Does he not want to add "potty mouth" to the list?

Anyway, I couldn't help but reply to this, asking old Zosimo:
> Good Sir,
> Am I to believe you are attempting to threaten me with a kitchen
> utensil or farm implement?

But he hasn't gotten back to me on that yet. I don't think he likes chatting with me anymore :(

(Now that I think about it, he did mention he was son of the most popular farmer in zimbabwe. Perhaps he did mean a farm tool.)

That's all for this week!

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