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Monday, April 12 12:00 AM EDT

Third Annual Geek Limerick Contest



Monty Python and the Holy Limerick
==================================

King Arthur (and Patsy, of course)
rode forth from Camelot in force.
Through forests and fields,
with banners and shields,
and coconut halves for a horse.

They came to a castle one day
and were questioned in a curious way.
A long conversation
'bout coconut migration
drove Arthur and Patsy away.

Live men on the cart don't belong,
but the old man starts singing a song.
A club to the head
makes the poor old man dead,
while Arthur comes riding along.

Now Arthur some peasants does meet.
A king they're not happy to greet.
King Arthur does grieve
for both peasants believe
that anarcho-syndicalism is sweet.

Then Dennis, insulted at heart,
his wisdom begins to impart.
A joke he does make
of the Lady of the Lake,
and calls her a watery tart.

Our heroes encounter Black Knight,
Who kills off his foe in a fight.
The Green Knight lays dead
with a sword through his head,
and Arthur is pleased at the sight

King Arthur, gallant and with class,
praises the Black Knight, but alas,
with eyes very frigid
the black knight stands rigid
and repeatedly says, "None shall pass."

The Black Knight refuses to move
so Arthur his courage does prove.
The Black Knight, in rage,
a battle does wage,
but Arthur his limbs does remove.

The village a witch wants to burn
and Bedevere makes them all learn
the only way which
to know she's a witch,
and Arthur's respect he does earn

The knights that King Arthur does crave
and someday his life they might save
are Bedevere, Launcelot,
Galahad, and forget not
Sir Robin, the not-quite-so-brave.

A model of Camelot they face
but Arthur explains in disgrace,
" Well, on second thought,
Let us skip Camelot,"
for he thinks it's a silly place.

They meet God on one of their trails
and thus starts the greatest of tales.
" What tale?" you might ask.
God gave them a task:
The quest for the holiest of grails.

The French in a castle they find
who taunt them with words not too kind.
The mocking's severe
and so Bedevere
comes up with a plan in his mind

A rabbit of wood they create
and roll it to the French castle's gate.
The French cast the hare
high into the air,
thus making King Arthur irate.

And now a Historian explains
a part of King Arthur's campaigns.
The Historian is slayed
by a knight with a blade
Who rides off and leaves the remains.

Now several annoying delays
set King Arthur's patience ablaze.
His Knights he consults,
and here's what results:
They each went their separate ways.

Sir Robin a giant does find
with three heads, each with its own mind.
The heads start to bicker
but Robin is quicker
and runs away, minstrels behind.

To Anthrax Sir Galahad comes
with wounds from his toes to his gums.
The girls dressed in white
are Galahad's plight
but he, to temptation, succumbs.

Launcelot arrives just in time
to save Galahad from this crime.
Though Galahad's torn
his chastity's sworn
denying him pleasure sublime.

King Arthur and Bedevere implore
to the old man from scene 24
to help in their quest.
What he does is suggest
they find an enchanter with lore.

While treading the forest they see
the terrible Knights who say "ni."
If they want to pass
the toll is, alas,
a [dramatic chord] shrubbery!

A young prince, held against his will,
a wedding contract must fulfill.
The king has some power;
locks him in the tower,
but leaves him with paper and quill.

The young prince some help does request.
His message impales Concord's chest.
So Launcelot heeds
the young prince's needs
and takes up the young prince's quest.

Swamp Castle the knight does invade
attacking the guests with his blade.
Past crying and screeches
the tower he reaches,
and suddenly ends his crusade.

Launcelot realizes in shame
that his rescue target's no dame.
The king understands,
but issues demands,
and Launcelot accepts all the blame.

Launcelot escapes being wed
to the princess that's heavily fed.
Her huge tracts of land
are not worth her hand,
so Launcelot and Concord fled.

King Arthur for shruberries looks
in all sorts of crannies and nooks.
They start saying "ni"
to the poor old lady,
and Roger mistakes them for crooks

So Arthur a shrubbery gets
from Roger the Shrubber, and sets
off back to the woods
with neces'ry goods
to pay off his passage rights debts.

The Knights who 'til recently said "ni"
just won't let poor King Arthur be.
It seems like abuse
that he'd have to use
a herring to cut down a tree.

The new errands don't seem legit
and King Arthur has a big fit
with the Knights who said "ni"
but unconsciously,
he beats them by just saying "it."

So over a year has now passed;
the knights once again have amassed.
Upon mountains high
some fire they spy.
They've found the enchanter, at last!

Now Tim some advice does bequeath
to all with a sword in their sheath:
Their fear must be small
for death awaits all
with nasty, big pointy teeth.

To Caerbannog they're led by Tim.
The cave's entrance looks very grim.
The rabbit they spot,
and Tim warns the lot
their chance of survival is slim.

King Arthur sends Bors to attack
convinced now that Tim is a quack.
The rabbit just leaps,
the knight's neck he reaps,
and Bors' head falls down with a smack.

They run out to battle the hare
but it simply jumps through the air
and kills off a bunch
of knights for his lunch.
The others run off in despair.

The party has taken some hits,
but King Arthur won't call it quits.
They bring to their aid
the Holy Hand Grenade
and blow up the rabbit to bits.

They go in through the deep cave's maw
and find words that fill them with awe.
The Aramaic tale
explains that the grail
is found in the castle of Aaaagh....

From shadows there comes an attack:
a creature so foul and black.
The Legend'ry Black Beast
of Aaaagh has a feast
with poor Brother Maynard as snack.

They run until they're out of breath
from the black beast that's fierce, just like Seth.
But when all hope is gone
and they can't go on,
they're saved by the animator's death.

They exit the cave and they see
the Gorge where the old man should be
right next to the ridge
in front of the bridge
to ask them five questions. No, three!

The man asks for name and for quest
and favorite color. The pest!
The answer is "blue"
and that being true,
Sir Launcelot passes the test

Sir Robin's great fear's fading fast.
The question that gets him's the last.
He has no criteria
of the capital of Assyria
and into the Gorge he is cast.

Sir Galahad is tested too,
but one of his answers untrue.
He tried to be quick
but fell for the trick.
He should have said "yellow," not "blue."

King Arthur's question number three
Is the air speed velocity
of an unladen swallow.
But his head's not hollow,
so he asks which swallow it'd be.

The old man the answer knows not
(and we get a twist in the plot).
The tables have turned,
his punishment earned,
and into the air he is shot.

At last, being guided by grace,
the castle of Aaaagh they now face,
but to their surprise
they see the French guys
have now taken over the place.

The taunting begins once again
but Arthur gets angry, and then,
preparing for war,
he goes to the shore
and gathers a large group of men.

Their right to the grail they'll defend.
But the French's wrong they won't amend,
'cause the cops track them down
and send them downtown,
thus bringing the quest to its end.

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