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Friday, July 9 12:00 AM ET

June 22 - July 22
The stars are shining down on you from above. At least that's what you'll be thinking just before the impact.

July 23 - Aug 22
This week you will try a new flavor of Linux... Raspberry.

Aug 23 - Sep 22
You receive a position at Research In Motion. Congratulations on the RIM job.

Sep 23 - Oct 23
Microsoft refuses to offer you additional stock options for your "4-in-1 defragmenter, virus destroyer, spyware remover, and disk cleanup tool". They still insist on calling it "Format". Back to the drawing board for you!

Oct 24 - Nov 21
Normally the aluminum foil hat provides excellent protection, but it may not be the best idea at the microwave factory.

Nov 22 - Dec 21
After beating Half-Life for the 872nd time, you'll realize it might be time to get a better video card.

Dec 22 - Jan 19
You must be over 18 feet tall to view this horoscope.

Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars say that this week you will be allowed to meet the criminal government agent who oppresses you.

Feb 19 - Mar 20
You would think that shooting fireworks on the White House lawn would be the most patriotic thing you could do. The Secret Service agents think differently.

Mar 21 - Apr 19
This horoscope had an inside joke in it, but you wouldn't get it.

Apr 20 - May 20
After a hot sauce incident this weekend, you will discover that Pepto-Bismol is part of a complete breakfast.

May 21 - June 21
You will die when your Star Trek DVD collection falls off the shelf and traps you underneath it for several days.

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