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Friday, July 30 12:00 AM ET

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You will be reminded of the tale of Icarus, as your masterpiece "Self-Portrait in Earwax" stands by the window sill a bit too long.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
This fuckin' horoscope has been rated R for offensive language and allusions to "hot lesbo action".

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
The delegates you're entertaining from the convention become displeased when you thought they said they wanted to go war driving, but they really said whore driving.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
The cats in the cradle with the silver spoon. Johnny's playing Xbox, so you might as well keep watching CSI.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You were anxiously awaiting the Thunderbirds movie, until you watched the trailer and it looked like Spy Kids 4. Thunderbirds are not go.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
It might be time to buy a dehumidifier and some brighter lights for your basement office. Scraping the mushrooms off your computer case every morning is getting annoying.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Good News! When you visit the Comic Book/Sci-Fi convention this week, you will receive first prize for 'Best Costume' even though you dress that way every day.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
It doesn't matter what your D&D manual says, you did not get 5 experience points for killing the giant ant in your kitchen.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Despite all the hard work and countless attempts, your do-it-yourself 4 Ghz processor project has failed. It seems silly putty is not a proper semiconductor.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll receive a very expensive paperweight this week, as the UPS van carrying your laptop crashes into your pool.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
It'll be time for a new PC when you realize there's smoke coming from the case, but you turned of the internal smoke machine mod an hour ago.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The stars say you will create a flash animation about political figures that parodies a catchy song, which leads you into trouble in your country of North Korea.

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