June 22 - July 22
You will be reminded of the tale of Icarus, as your masterpiece "Self-Portrait in Earwax" stands by the window sill a bit too long.
July 23 - Aug 22
This fuckin' horoscope has been rated R for offensive language and allusions to "hot lesbo action".
Aug 23 - Sep 22
The delegates you're entertaining from the convention become displeased when you thought they said they wanted to go war driving, but they really said whore driving.
Sep 23 - Oct 23
The cats in the cradle with the silver spoon. Johnny's playing Xbox, so you might as well keep watching CSI.
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You were anxiously awaiting the Thunderbirds movie, until you watched the trailer and it looked like Spy Kids 4. Thunderbirds are not go.
Nov 22 - Dec 21
It might be time to buy a dehumidifier and some brighter lights for your basement office. Scraping the mushrooms off your computer case every morning is getting annoying.
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Good News! When you visit the Comic Book/Sci-Fi convention this week, you will receive first prize for 'Best Costume' even though you dress that way every day.
Jan 20 - Feb 18
It doesn't matter what your D&D manual says, you did not get 5 experience points for killing the giant ant in your kitchen.
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Despite all the hard work and countless attempts, your do-it-yourself 4 Ghz processor project has failed. It seems silly putty is not a proper semiconductor.
Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll receive a very expensive paperweight this week, as the UPS van carrying your laptop crashes into your pool.
Apr 20 - May 20
It'll be time for a new PC when you realize there's smoke coming from the case, but you turned of the internal smoke machine mod an hour ago.
May 21 - June 21
The stars say you will create a flash animation about political figures that parodies a catchy song, which leads you into trouble in your country of North Korea.