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Wednesday, September 22 12:00 PM ET

Campaign Pledges You'll Never Hear

11. "...and every household in America will have easy access to cheap prostitutes! "
10. "No more mispronunciations."
9. "I will roll back the tax cuts for the wealthy, as well as the first amendment."
8. "I support the big companies you buy stuff from! A vote for me will help their bottom line."
7. "I'll find a good position for your daughter on my staff."
6. "The MPAA President will be made a cabinet level position."
5. "The cozy relationships with lobbyists and special interests will be stopped, because I will declare myself King of the World and all will bow to me."
4. "Once I'm elected, all my financial contributors will be rounded up and shot."
3. "I promise I will single handedly take down this mighty beast called the Internet so we may all once again rest peacefully at night."
2. "And I will give up my paycheck as president and donate all that money to Hooters."
1. "Absolutely, positively, no sex with corpses."


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