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Thursday, September 23 12:00 AM ET

The Scourge of the Dubyacadas

By Michael J. Richard

Once again, our dwindling summer days are filled with a cacophony of noise created by “Dubyacada”. (conservatis compassionus) Returning every four years like clockwork, this cyclical species drones on throughout the day and into the evening hours, lulling many, even some moderate Democrats, into a dreamy state. Some cable TV channels gush on glowingly about Dubyacadas 24/7. While in this semiconscious trance many otherwise stable people have been heard making statements such as: “Ooooo, we can raise school achievement standards and cut funding? How nice. Isn’t that nice, honey?” Or: “Gee...we can ship jobs overseas and refuse to extend unemployment benefits? Why didn’t the Democrats think of that? Be a dear and pass me my latte. Thank you...Ahhhh...”

BushycadaScientists have conclusively proven, through DNA testing, that Dubyacada is the direct descendant of the earlier species “H-dubyacada” (thousandpointis oflightsus). It is further thought that H-dubyacada and Dubyacada may, in fact, be a subspecies of the extinct species “Reagancada” (voodoois economicus). The common thread that links these disparate species together is the belief that the private sector is better able to help the economy grow if only they’re given more tax breaks, thus allowing money to “trickle down” from the rich to the not-so-rich.

Fortunately, there are a group of dedicated scientists working around the clock to determine the safest method of neutralizing Dubyacadas. They have discovered something, that is so simply astonishing in its simplicity, that it's almost hard to believe. If no one listens to them, Dubyacadas tend to fall silent. I say let's join in with these heroic researchers and do our part. Be on the lookout for the Dubyacadas, and if you spot any, report them to your local authorities. But better yet, take action yourself. That's what I'm doing. Despite the incessant droning in the background I'm not going to let myself be hypnotized by the siren song of the Dubyacadas. And I'm not alone in this endeavor. Many Americans, just like you and me, are working together, making great efforts at eradicating this menace to our society. United we can, at last, live in a country free of the droning of the tenacious species, Dubyacada.We invite all Americans to join us in this effort.

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For a free pair of Dubyacada Blocking Earplugs®, especially designed to block out the hideous sound of Dubyacadas, send a International Money order, made out to "Cash" for $25.00 US(S&H)to: SHUT UP, YOU DUBYACADAS! P.O. Box HM 007, Hamilton, SM NX, Bermuda.* And, as special bonus, the first 1,000 lucky customers will receive, absolutely free, a handy refrigerator magnet printed with instructions on how to identify Dubyacada and the rarer, but equally noisy, H-Dubyacada. But not only that! Act today and receive, absolutely free, a lovely fossilized voodoois economicus! Yes a genuine, Reagancada! Perfect for use as a paper weight, or throwing at the TV if you've left your Dubyacada Blocking Earplugs® at your place of employment. Better yet, for only $5.00(S&H)more, we will send you three more free pair of Dubyacada Blocking Earplugs®. That's right, enough free pairs of Dubyacada Blocking Earplugs® for your entire nucelear family! God Bless The United States of America! http://www.dubyacadas.com/freeoffer/not
*Offer not valid for residents of non-battleground states, but then the Dubyacada Blocking Earplugs® are not needed in those states, now are they? $1.00 of every purchase goes to support research into irradicating conservatis compassionus and to supplying our brave men and women of the Armed Forces with their very own free pair of Dubyacada Blocking Earplugs®. Ditto heads! Ask about our program for the mentally challenged. You may qualify for a free pair of Dubyacada Blocking Earplugs® at no cost to you! Medicaid and Medicare recipients, apply for a free pair of Dubyacada Blocking Earplugs®,just include a photocopy of your ID card. Not affiliated with Stan-Lee Tool® or any other offshore tax-dodging greedy corporate pigs who are getting obscenely rich on the backs of free-trade slaves . This ad is totally fictitious, don’t send in any money!
*If not completely satisfied, return your Dubyacada Blocking Earplugs® (customer pays shipping)
© 2004 SHUT UP, YOU DUBYACADAS! Ltd.

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