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Wednesday, September 1 12:00 PM ET

Things a Consultant Would Say

11. "We need you to tell us what you do. Everything. In writing. So we can hire someone cheaper to read from what you write."
10. "Would you say this is something a high school kid could do? Hypothetically."
9. "We think your job could be done more efficiently if you weren't doing it."
8. "We've flown these nice young men a long way to see you. The least you could do is train them how to do your job."
7. "Profits will be much higher this year because of lower expenses, which would be great for your bonus if you weren't part of the lower expenses."
6. "How would you feel about relocating your family to New Dehli and doing the same job for half the pay?"
5. "We're not firing you, we're converting your job to a mobile format."
4. "We've determined we can save money by classifying your job as hourly and taking away your insurance and the hours you work."
3. "This year's bonuses will be paid in stock options. Please hold onto these until after the liquidation of assets is complete."
2. "Your managers think you might be happier working from home. With another company."
1. "Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or have we just transferred your job to a 12-year-old boy in the Phillipines?"

 

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