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Thursday October 21 12:00 AM

Presidential Showdown
Bush vs. Kerry

By BBspot Labs


With the US election approaching soon, we thought we would take our proven scientific methods used previously in comparing video cards and operating systems, and apply them to the two major party candidates. Most election guides will waste your time comparing where the candidates stand on taxes or security, but at BBspot we put the candidates head to head on the issues that really matter. Here's our unbiased, scientific method for determining who you should vote for...

John KerryInitials

Bush - GWB: Reminds me of a date rape drug.

Kerry - JFK: Reminds me of one of America's favorite Presidents.

Advantage - John Kerry

Web Server

Comparing the two campaigns web sites might give us some insight on the candidate's feelings about security and fiscal responsibility.

John KerryBush - According to Netcraft georgewbush.com is running Microsoft IIS on a Microsoft Server 2004 box. At the time of doing this georgewbush.com was down.

Kerry - According to Netcraft johnkerry.com is running Apache on a Red Hat Linux box.

Running a more secure server on a cheaper platform. This one is an easy choice...

Advantage - John Kerry

George W. BushMascots

Bush/Republicans - An elephant never forgets

Kerry/Democrats - A donkey is an ass. Stubborn, smelly.

Advantage - George W. Bush

Google Fights

Now let's use Google to see who will make the best President...

"George W. Bush will raise my taxes" - 204,000 results

Vs.

"John Kerry will raise my taxes" - 201,000 results

(1-0 Kerry) Next...

"George W. Bush will reinstate the draft" - 30,000 results

Vs.

"John Kerry will reinstate the draft" - 34,900 results

(1-1) Next...

"George W Bush is a CEO loving facist neocon." - 614 results

Vs.

"John Kerry is a lawyer loving pinko commie." - 567 results

(2-1 Kerry) Next...

"George W. Bush will help me get laid" - 212, 000 results

Vs.

"John Kerry will help me get laid" - 164,000 results

(2-2) Tiebreaker...

George W. Bush"George W. Bush will be the best President ever" - 1,310,000 results

Vs.

"John Kerry will be the best President ever" - 1,100,000 results

Advantage - George W. Bush

Coin Flip - Best of 7

John KerryBush - Heads

Kerry - Tails

The first three flips came up heads for Bush, but then four straight tails for Kerry. The flips were made with a 1994 quarter.

Advantage - Kerry 4-3

Favorite Suit Color

Bush - Dark blue

Kerry - Dark blue

Advantage - Tie

Celebrity Lookalike

George W. BushBush - Alfred E. Neumann, the fictional mascot of Mad magazine famous for saying, "What me worry?"

Kerry - Lurch, the butler for the Addams Family famous for saying, "You rang?"

I prefer humor to creepiness, so this one I'll have to give to Bush.

Advantage - George W. Bush

Conclusions

Like most polls, this one ends in a tie. Looks like you'll have to make up your own mind.

 

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