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New York, NY - Subway spokesperson Jared Fogle plans to publish a "Napkin Newsletter" for customers who eat at the popular deli restaurant franchise. Each monthly newsletter will feature a heartwarming story of a formerly fat person who followed Jared's unorthodox diet of Subway sandwiches. "Everyone deserves a shot at being a commercial mascot like I am," Jared said.
Jared gave credit for the napkin idea to Lisa Oak, who runs Subway's real estate division. "She noticed many people reading our napkins out of sheer boredom." Jared asked customers if they wanted to read something more substantial. "The response was overwhelming," he said. "People read our napkins even when they're sitting in their office cubicles with today's newspaper in front of them."
Subway's board of directors was ecstatic when they heard about it. "No one else offers customers this free service," said marketing director Kathy Spittle. "Subway is the first to do it. Let's make that clear. We're doing it for our Subway customers. Subway is the first."
Every "tissue issue" will include the basic nutrition facts already printed on Subway napkins. "It's popular among our current napkin readership," Jared said. "I don't want to sound controversial, but it's a fact that many people read our nutrition info more often than they read the Bible."
Test groups prefer napkins with multicolor printing, "so we're going to include color photos of formerly fat people eating a delicious sub," Jared said. "I like to think of it as eye candy."
Local editions of the newsletter may include personal ads to offset the cost of the napkins. "A lot of single people eat at Subway," Jared said. "Wouldn't it be nice to see 'SWF38 step7, seeks MBM to share SOCT (Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki) on foot-long discount Tuesdays' on a napkin?"
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